What Heaven Is
by Cricket05
Summary: Lancelot survives the battle field, and is nursed back to health. He soon finds himself falling for and having an affair with Guinevere. He knows this is wrong, and doesn't want to betray Arthur. {Complete}
1. Chapter 1: Darkest Before Dawn

This is my first real posted fanfic. I'm enjoying writing this, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on the story. If you all feel that it is worth reading, I'll remove it, no sense wasting anyone's time right? Enjoy.. :)

Disclaimer: Dont own anything accept the thoughts that went into writing this. And no as much as I wished I did, I dont own Lancelot, or Ioan the actor who plays him sighs

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_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 1- "Darkest Before Dawn"

I saw the pain cross Guinevere's face as my body erupted in flames of pain. I looked down slowly at my chest. The sight of the arrow made the air rush out of me. _This cant be happening, this can't be how it ends. _My mind raced as I stared at the end of the arrow that protruded out of my chest. I took a few deep breaths before I looked back up at my enemy that stood before me. Hatred made my blood run cold, and I threw my sword at him with all my might. Both of us went to our knees, and we stared at each other. I wouldn't let this man live, if I would never draw breath again, neither would he. I crawled towards him and put my hands on the butt of my sword, I pulled on it and it slid from his chest.

His eyes were cold, and they glared at me at we struggled for control of the sword. _No. _I drove the sword through him and fell back, my strength leaving me.

"No! Lancelot! Hang On!"

Guinevere was with me then, next to me and she had her hands on the arrow.

"Leave it…leave me" I demanded.

I wasn't going to have this poor woman sit at my sides as I passed from the world. Guinevere glared down at me,

"I'm not leaving you…and this arrow has to come out." She declared.

I shut my eyes and turned my face away from her. _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that this has happened. _I wanted to scream out to her, tell her to leave, to run far from this bloodbath.

"Brace yourself." she said softly.

I clenched my fists and I felt her push on the arrow. I screamed out in pain and I tried to sit up. Guinevere put her knees on my chest and gave it one final shove. I felt the pressure in my chest relax and my body collapsed back to the ground. I didn't try to move, or argue when Guinevere slowly peeled my armor off.

"I need to bandage this…" she said softly to herself.

I opened my eyes and caught her eyes.

"It's useless, Guinevere…leave me" I pleaded finally.

Her jaw tightened.

"No, I will not leave you like this!"

"Lancelot!"

I heard Galahad's voice in the distance, and then the clatter of hooves.

"Lancelot…good god."

"You don't believe in god…" I said sarcastically.

Guinevere looked up at him,

"We need bandages… do you carry any with you on your horse?" she asked.

Galahad shook his head and looked around hopelessly. I saw Guinevere look around sadly, before she started ripping off pieces of leather from her own clothing. She started to wrap this around me and tied it tightly.

"We have to get him back to the wall."

"No!!"

_Arthur? Arthur I'm sorry…_. Arthur fell down next to me and put his hand on the side of my head.

"Lancelot…my dear knight..."

My world slowly started to turn to darkness.

"I'm sorry…" I whispered before I closed my eyes.

* * *

"We'll let him rest now, the night will be rough."

I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. _I live? _I moved my fingers softly over the bedding that I now laid on. My body was burning with pain, and very hot. I moved my fingers over my chest and the large bandage that covered half of my torso.

"Lancelot?"

The sudden sound of the voice made me freeze up, but the tightening of my muscles made the pain worse and I cried out. Arthur leaned in from the darkness and put his hand on mine.

"My dear friend…calm yourself."

My eyes felt heavy again, but I fought desperately to keep them open.

"How do I live? I was…"

"Don't think of it…you are alive that is what matters." Arthur said.

I closed my eyes and ran my tongue over my dry lips.

"Guinevere?" I asked softly.

"I just relieved her of sitting by your side." Arthur answered.

I blinked slowly and looked at him.

"She was hurt…she…"

"She's fine, Lancelot. Rest for your own sake."

I knew it was no use to argue with him at the moment. I nodded and closed my eyes. Sleep quickly swept over me, and I let it take me.

I woke sometime in the middle of the night to someone whispering.

"God, I thank you now that you did not take Lancelot. That you spared his life, and in return did not take mine. I place all my faith and trust into you god, thank you for sparing my best friends life, he will never know the extent of love that I possess for either of you." Arthur prayed softly.

I swallowed the small lump in my throat and turned my head towards him.

"Again I ask why do you talk to god and not to me?" I asked, a slight smile spreading over my lips.

Arthur looked at me and shook his head.

"I see this has had no impact on you." He responded.

I laughed but the jarring of my body made me stop and stare at my friend.

"I know of this love you speak of Arthur…believe me. If I but knew how to show how…" I trailed off.

Arthur nodded.

"You don't need to say anything Lancelot…just sleep." He said as he leaned back in the chair.

"I burn with fever Arthur…there will be no peaceful sleep for me tonight." I replied as I looked away from him.

"Lancelot…Tristan is gone."

The news shook me emotionally. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of our breathing.

"Was he the only?" I asked.

"He was…"

"So I would have been the second…hmm." I looked towards the crackling fire to my left.

"Why do you say such things? Do you wish not to live?" Arthur asked.

I could hear the annoyance behind his words.

"Maybe I don't…why do I deserve to live, when I killed others…" I replied as I looked back at him.

He looked away from me in anger, finally after a few moments he got up and walked to the door.

"Lancelot, I will not sit here while you say you wish you didn't live. You are my closest friend and best knight; you have every reason to live." He demanded.

And with that he was gone; he left me in the room where only the fire and screams from the battle could keep me company.

* * *

Not ten minutes had passed since the departure of Arthur, when the door to my room was opened. I looked to the side, expecting to see a maid with a bowl of water. I saw no such thing; Guinevere set a large bowl of water on the table next to the bed and looked at me. I laughed wickedly,

"Ahh, my savior come for me again have you?" I asked.

Guinevere stared at me, a sly smile playing on her lips.

"You know…I thought maybe the arrow had pierced that cold heart of yours, but I see that it hasn't." she said as she took a seat.

I laughed again,

"Maybe it did…maybe it brushed some ice off of it."

Guinevere sighed and shook her head. I knew I wasn't helping the situation by being my stubborn self.

"Is there not even a shred of gratefulness in you? Are you not happy that I saved you?" she asked as her eyes met mine.

_Yes, I'm grateful, I'm just too proud to admit it_.

I pushed my thoughts away from me.

"You saved me from death, death was freedom for me. Freedom from the hell that I'm living in." I responded.

Guinevere laughed and put her hand on my face.

"You lie…"

"Do I? Why didn't you leave me? You know I wouldn't have done that for you."

_You were the reason that I fought the man in the first place._

"Does it matter what you would have done? I'm not you Lancelot, I have a heart remember?" she said.

I laughed at her, but I laughed at myself at the same time.

"I told you I would have left you and the boy in that forsaken chamber…and still…."

"That was the past Lancelot! Learn to put the past behind you. And if you continue to say that you wish you were dead, Arthur will break. He cares for you Lancelot, can you not see this! You are his brother, you know you hurt him when you say things don't you?" she demanded.

_Yes I know I do, but I seem to do it anyway._

"Do not speak of Arthur and myself, for you know nothing of our past!" I demanded.

Guinevere ran her hand through my hair; I shut my eyes without thinking and leaned into her touch.

"You yearn for something Lancelot…and neither the love of the other knights, nor the love of Arthur can sustain that." she explained softly.

I knew this was right, but I turned my head away from her, away from her caring touch.

"Leave me Guinevere, I'd rather be alone."


	2. Chapter 2: Dreams In The Mist

Alright, well I want to thank the people that reviewed! You so made my day so I thought I would upload the second chapter. I really hope you enjoy

Disclaimer: Dont own anything except my ideas, boo I wish I owned Lancelot

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_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 2- "Dreams in the Mist"

_"Does it all count for nothing!" I exclaimed at Arthur. _

_He looked me in the eyes and I saw the hurt behind his eyes. _

_"You ask me this? You who know me best of all?" he said as we continued to look at each other._

_No I wouldn't let this happen._

_"Then do not do this! Only certain death awaits you here Arthur! I beg you for our friendships sake, I beg you." I pleaded._

_Arthur sighed and put his hands on both sides of my head._

_"Then be my friend now and don't dissuade me. Seize the freedom you have earned and live it for the both of us. I cannot follow you Lancelot!" He exclaimed before walking off._

I opened my eyes. Why was this coming back to me? I put my hand over my eyes and took several deep breaths.

_I cannot follow you Lancelot!_

"But I followed you…I followed you!" I exclaimed before I could silence myself.

I saw people moving about in the hall surrounding my room. I sighed and tried to move, flames of pain erupted in my body and I cried out in anger.

"I can sit like this no longer…" I said to myself.

"Unhappy? Or is this your happy face?"

I wiped at the sides of my mouth as Guinevere came into the room.

"Do you try to annoy me, or are you just annoying?" I asked in return.

Guinevere's eyes narrowed and she came closer to me.

"Do you need water?" she asked.

I sighed and nodded.

"Please…"

She nodded and poured me a small cup of water. She lifted my head and put the cup to my lips.

"Guinevere…I can drink by myself, if you would just help me sit up a bit." I said.

She looked about before she answered.

"Lancelot, I don't think it would be…"

"Guinevere, just sit me up." I demanded.

She sighed and placed her hands behind me and helped me to sit up. I winced with pain but I reached for the water.

"Why did you come in here?" I asked her.

She looked at me, and I saw something flash in her eyes.

"Because…everyone else was too busy, so I came."

_That's a lie; you just wanted to see me._

"Hmm…and where is Arthur?" I asked.

I wanted to talk to Arthur, tell him I was sorry for being stubborn the night before. I wanted to tell him that I was grateful that I was alive. I wanted to tell him that he was my brother, and I cherished him.

"He's in his quarters." Guinevere answered.

I nodded and looked away from her. I didn't want to look at her at this moment. Why was this?

_Because you're falling for her._

She eyed me for a moment before a small smile crossed her lips.

"You're actually almost being nice to me…"

My eyes snapped back to her.

"Nice? I'm in pain, and I don't want to talk, this isn't being nice."

The smile faded from her face. She walked towards the door,

"Lancelot…" she shook her head and sighed dismissing the thought.

I looked around the room, not wanting to actually meet her eyes.

"Good day…" she said as she started out.

"Guinevere…" I called to her against my will.

She turned back towards me, her face a portrait of annoyance.

"Thank you…"

"Thank you for what? For letting you use me for your anger?"

And with that she left. I sat there for a moment before I smiled and laughed. I ran my hand back across my forehead, and drew back when I felt the moisture that now covered my hand. I reached for the blankets and threw them off my body, wanting to cool myself. Chills passed over my body and I looked at the blazing fire.

_It's not the fever returning…just too hot in here._

I shut my eyes and let myself slip into a light sleep.

* * *

When I woke, the blankets were back over me and I was lying in the bed. I cursed and heard laughter.

"Do you always have to be so stubborn?"

Arthur's voice. I looked around the dark room and saw him seated at a table in front of the bed.

"Arthur…"

He smiled and stood up. He walked to my side and put his hand on mine. I saw him hesitate, and draw his hand back.

"Lancelot…your hands are as cold as death's." He replied.

His hand quickly went to my head. He shut his eyes and he sighed.

"My dear friend…"

_Don't you say it. Where's Guinevere, she'll tell you…_

"Guinevere!" Arthur called from the room, as if he read my thoughts.

She came into the room swiftly and came to the side of the bed. Arthur pulled her aside and whispered something to her. I saw her look at me, and she put her hand over her mouth.

"I have a physicianfrom Rome coming, but he will never make it in time…" I heard Arthur say.

"We need to get his fever down…" Guinevere added quickly as she walked back towards me.

"Lancelot…you're burning with fever, we need to try and moderate it." she explained.

She turned back to Arthur.

"Go find Merlin, he may be of some use tonight." she whispered.

Arthur exited the room quickly. I felt Guinevere's cool touch on my burning skin. She removed my shirt first and grabbed a cloth from the wash basin. She wrung the cloth several times before placing it against my skin. I winced at the touch, but soon let the cloth soothe me.

"Don't do this to us Lancelot…don't lose the battle yet."

The cloth made contact with my forehead and I leaned into the touch. I could feel the water disappear as it came in contact with my skin.

"Lancelot…look at me…" Guinevere was telling me.

I blinked slowly and stared up at her.

_You are so beautiful…I don't want to die._

"You're not going to die, do you hear me? Lancelot!"

_The ice was freezing; my breath seemed to turn to icicles in front of me._

_"It's not going to break, fall back! Prepare for combat." Arthur exclaimed as we all dropped our bows and started to back up. I saw Dagonet run forward before I could comprehend what was happening._

_"Dag!" Bors screamed after him. _

_"Cover him!" Arthur commanded._

"No!!!! Dag!!"

I tried to sit up, but I was too weak to move. I felt the cool cloth against my stomach.

"Relax…relax…" Guinevere whispered as she ran her hand through my hair.

"Dag…"

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to shut out both the emotional pain, and the physical pain.

"Try to take deep breaths Lancelot…stay with us, fight until Merlin can get here."

_I knelt down next to Arthur and peered into the cell. The young woman looked at us with swollen eyes. I studied her for a moment and watched as Arthur broke the chain that held her captive. _

"I would have left you…I'm sorry Guinevere…" I said with difficulty.

My whole mouth was dry, and I tried desperately to moisten it.

"What?" Guinevere asked as she leaned closer.

"What do you need?" she continued.

My eyes locked with hers, and I seemed to be entranced by the sheer beauty of them.

"Lancelot…what do you need?" she asked as she put the cloth to my face again.

"I need you…I need your beauty to get me through this…"

I saw her step back from the bed and put her hand to her chest.

"I never wanted to say those things…I've only wanted to tell you that I…"

A cup was placed to my lips and water started to pour into my mouth. I swallowed, but started to cough. Guinevere put the cloth against my stomach again and continued to pat down my body.

_I think I'm in love with you…_

I closed my eyes and let the cool touch help me fall back into a sleep like trance.

"Stay with me Lancelot…because it seems I need you…"

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I'll upload the rest of the chapters I've written later, hope you enjoyed! 


	3. Chapter 3: Absence of Fear

Yay! I feel so honored that you all are enjoying my story. Hope you enjoy this chapter, I'll upload the other...4 previously written chapters later. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Dont own anything except the ideas that I put into this. And as much as I hate to admit it I dont own Lancelot :( boo.

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_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 3- "Absence of Fear"

Chanting in the darkness. My eyes opened and I jumped as I felt hands on my aching wound. My hands wanted to instinctively reach for my swords, but alas they were not there. Nothing could stop which was now in motion. I turned my head to face the owner of the hands. Merlin's eyes met mine and I opened my mouth to protest, but was silenced by the look of fear on both Guinevere and Arthur's faces.

_Do not fear me Lancelot…_

What was happening now? Was I about to die now, as I should have on the battle field? My body was screaming at me, screaming to be either saved or delivered from this pain.

"Oh be done with it…" I mumbled feverishly.

"Lancelot?...oh thank god." Arthur whispered.

Merlin touched the wound again, but this time applied a cold, wet salve. I tensed up as a freezing sensation came over my body; it seemed every muscle in my body was numb.

"What are you doing to me?" I pleaded through tears of pain.

I saw Guinevere take a step towards me, but Arthur pulled her back and held her tightly. He whispered something to her, and she buried her face into the nape of his neck.

_Your body needs to be still…I must stitch the wound…_

I saw the gleam of the needle in the firelight and I tried to move in protest, but my body was frozen. Merlin laced a silver thread through the needle and moved slowly towards my chest.

"Please…Guinevere…Arthur…please…" I cried out desperately.

I never pleaded; I accepted things most of the time. I could feel tears coming to my eyes and I closed my eyes tightly and let the water stream down my cheeks. Neither Arthur nor Guinevere moved to come to my aide. I felt the first jab of the needle in my skin, but soon it was gone.

_I still can't trust a woad…black magicians are no exception. _

Merlin looked up and met my eyes.

"Calm yourself Knight…I mean you no harm." Merlin replied.

I could do nothing but lay there while Merlin carefully stitched my wound together. I watched him do this for several moments, watching the thread pull together the torn sides of the wound.

_Sleep knight…you will have your strength tomorrow._

* * *

"Alright, come on…"

Arthur carefully helped me from the bed and steadied my on my feet. I smiled at him and motioned for him to step back. I wanted to test the limits of my strength, alas I started to stumble and Arthur caught me before I hit the stone floor.

"I think, dear friend that I'll have to help you around for the time being." he observed as we took a small step towards the door.

"Ah to breathe fresh air again…instead of the stale, sick air of the room I've been in for the past days." I said as sunlight hit me.

Arthur laughed and we slowly made our way towards the wall. I looked at my friend before we got to the steps.

"Tell me…how many Saxons?" I inquired.

Arthur shook his head and we started up the steps.

"Too many to count…" he answered.

I laughed, and to my delight the action didn't jar the wound.

"I may as well ask, how many had two sword wounds?" I asked with a sly smile.

Arthur laughed heartily and helped my get a grip on the wall. He looked over the battle field and took a deep breath.

"I'm lucky…" I whispered.

Arthur looked at me and his eyes narrowed.

"Did you just say…?"

I motioned for him to silence himself with my hand. I looked at him sarcastically.

"Alright…I'll admit it finally. I'm lucky to have survived this. I just wish that Tristan would have been as fortunate." I said bowing my head.

Arthur nodded and patted my back softly.

"He died with honor Lancelot. But I agree, I would have rather taken his place then see another one of my knights die." he admitted.

I looked at him and shielded my eyes from the blaring sun.

"Arthur…"

"Lancelot!!"

Both Arthur and I turned at the sound of the relieved call. I smiled when Guinevere came rushing at us, her crimson dress flowing behind her.

_My lady you are even more beautiful in the sunlight._

"Guinevere." I greeted her, trying to shove the happiness from my voice.

She smiled softly, but it seemed to fade when she realized that was all I was going to say. Her eyes brushed past me and fell on Arthur.

"I've been looking for you, Gawain is asking for your presence in the practice ring." she said.

Arthur nodded, and made a noise of understanding. He put his hand on my arm and I turned to look at him.

"Would you like to accompany me?" he asked.

I shook my head and looked back over the field.

"I'd like to stay here just for a bit…" I said.

"Right, well then I take my leave. Guinevere would you help him if he needs something?" Arthur asked.

I heard her agree, but I didn't look towards her. I shut my eyes as a soft breeze hit my face. I heard her come up next to me and she took a deep breath.

"Your feeling much better today I see. Anything hurting today?" Guinevere asked.

I looked over at her; she had placed her head in her palm and was looking at me with those eyes.

_Yes, inside my skin I have this space that twists and turns. It bleeds and aches inside my heart. It's waiting for you. _

"I'm fine today, thank you. Give my thanks to your magician for me." I replied looking away from her eyes.

"You still don't trust Merlin I see." Guinevere pointed out as she straightened.

I lifted my eyes skyward.

"I've never trusted Woads…but you my lady are an exception." I mumbled.

I looked back at her and saw that her eyes had widened in surprise and a flicker of happiness filled them. My heart began to shred from the look, what was this power she now held over me?

"You know…I sat there those first couple nights with you. You said a lot of things in your fever." she said.

I could hear a hint of hope in her voice. I laughed and turned my whole body towards her, I leaned in closer to her.

"What I said in my fever my lady was just that. Fever…fever makes one's words seem…oh what is the word I'm looking for? Sincere, for lack of other words. I, myself am sincere about one thing and one thing only."

Guinevere's eyebrows arched.

"Oh, and what is that?" she asked.

_The feelings I have for you._

"Not getting killed." I responded.

Guinevere narrowed her eyes and started to shake her head while a small smile played upon her lips.

"Why do you hide within yourself?" she asked.

I pushed myself away from the wall without thinking, and I started to loose my balance. Guinevere reached out for me quickly, but she couldn't get her footing back, and we both went tumbling to the ground. When we hit the ground we both gave out a cry of surprise. Guinevere landed on my chest and I winced.

"Oh gods…are you ok?" Guinevere asked looking into my eyes.

I licked my lips to hide the pain that was quickly spreading through my body.

_No, I think I'm broken again._

"Yes, I'd be fine if you would get off of me." I said through gritted teeth.

"You clumsy bastard…" I heard Bors comment from behind us.

Guinevere jumped off me quickly and stood, I was not so swift with standing. I laid there for moment, trying to calm my breathing and let the pain subside.

"Come on, up ya go." Bors said as he picked me up.

When I was finally set on my feet I looked at Guinevere and she gave me an apologetic smile. I bit my lower lip and nodded, trying to find amusement in the event.

"Lancelot! Bors! Come to the gate"

I looked down towards the gate and saw Arthur, Gawain and Galahad looking up at us. I looked towards Bors and he nodded, he grabbed my arm and helped me down the steps. Arthur looked me over with his eyes as we arrived in front of him.

"Come…we are to bury Tristan…"

* * *

I looked at the mounds of earth that we stood in between. I would have never been buried here, in this sad little cemetery.

_Burn me, and cast my ashes to a strong east-wind_

I ran my hand through my hair and made eye contact with Guinevere. She smiled softly at me and I returned the gesture before sighing.

* * *

"Can I join you?"

I looked up and nodded; Guinevere took a seat next to me. Everyone had already left, save the two of us. I put my head in my hands and stared at the ground. Guinevere remained silent, maybe wanting to respect me.

"Why did you save me?" I whispered.

I heard her move closer to hear me better. God, I just wanted to touch her once…to maybe kiss her at least once.

"What?" she asked.

"Why did you save me?" I asked, raising my head.

Guinevere studied me for a moment, her eyes searching my face. I raised my eyebrows in question.

"Well?"

"I didn't want you to die." she said softly.

_I would have died trying to save you!_

"You put your life on the line for me. You could have gone to the aide of any of the other knights, to Arthur. But you came to me, me a woad." she replied.

I smirked and looked off towards the glowing lights of the wall.

"What can I do to show you my gratitude? What do you want?" she asked.

_I'm wanting, needing you to be here. I need you here inside the absence of fear_...

"Only but to sit here for a bit longer…with you"


	4. Chapter 4: Remember When It Rained

Wow, you guys have no idea how happy it makes me feel that you all are liking my story! I thought I would do a double update so I'll post chapters 4 and 5, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I dont own anything, only the ideas that I put into this. And boo I dont own Lancelot.

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_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 4- "Remember When It Rained"

It took me two weeks to regain the rest of my strength. Arthur's physician arrived, and told me that I should be resting. I can not stay locked in a room for another minute, but I also don't want to be around Arthur and Guinevere. They are soon to be married, joined as one. I don't know if this angers me or pains me, maybe a mix of both. I've walked around by myself, sometimes wandering into the field and finding the spot where I laid, pierced by an arrow. I sit there, my legs wrapped beneath me and I curse Arthur's so called 'god'. I curse him with all my might.

_Why would you spare me?! Spare me and make me suffer their romance?_

There is always no reply, just a cry from a hawk, or the breeze blowing in the trees.

I sat down slowly, like I had a million times in the past weeks. I felt the ground beneath me before I looked skywards.

"Why!" I exclaimed.

I pulled up a fistful of grass, grass that was probably fertilized with the blood of my enemy.

"You curse me because I don't believe in you! You've put me and her in a situation neither of us can escape!" I accused.

"Lancelot…"

I turned to see her standing not two feet from me, her hair falling about her face. I stood quickly and threw the last of the grass from my hand.

"I can't go on like this Guinevere! I can't…" I admitted.

She looked at me sadly before turning her gaze to the ground. I threw up my hands in aggravation and walked off. Rain started to fall softly at my feet, and before I realized we were caught up in a heavy downpour. I looked back at her, and saw her still standing where I'd left her. Her gown was now dripping wet, and her hair was plastered to her forehead. I sighed and walked back towards her, I unhooked the cloak I wore at my shoulders and put it around her.

"Walk with me…" I whispered.

She didn't raise her head as we started towards the forest. I looked back at the wall for a moment, to make sure Arthur was not in sight. Guinevere must have noticed my nervousness and she gripped my hand.

"He's asleep… I left him in his quarters." she said softly.

We entered the protection of the forest and I pulled her close to me.

"Don't do this Guinevere…come with me. We'll leave today, please." I asked looking into her eyes.

"I can't Lancelot…I love him, and he loves me. I'm destined to be with him, I know this now." she explained.

"This is folly! I love you more then my life itself Guinevere! How can…"

She clutched herself to me then, cutting me off. I sighed and put my head on hers, taking the moment in.

"I can't go on like this…" I said again.

She looked up and we parted, she placed her hands on both sides of my face and kissed me softly.

"You promised…you promised you wouldn't get jealous."

I tore away from her,

"To hell with what I promised Guinevere! You mean for me to stay here and watch this? For the woman I love to marry my best friend." I demanded.

Guinevere closed her eyes, as if trying to protect herself from my words. I tightened my jaw and shook my head.

"We have to stop…we can't do this any longer." she ordered.

"I will never love another, do you realize this? Hmm, do you?" I demanded my voice raising.

She looked up at me, her face the portrait of despair. She crossed the distance between us with two steps.

"And I love you Lancelot…I love you with my waking breath. But I love Arthur, he is the one I've chosen." she said softly.

The words knocked the air out of me.

"Was I but a pawn in your game?" I asked heatedly.

"No, never that…don't ever think that. It's just…Arthur was there for me when you were ill. I sought him for comfort when you were near death, and that made me remember why I fell in love with him! Do not punish me for my feelings" she exclaimed.

I laughed and kissed her forehead,

"Ah but my lady, you punish me everyday." I whispered as I walked off and left her.

The rain rolled off my fingertips as I stormed away from her.

"Lancelot! I don't want this…us to end this way. I love you…."

I spun around on my heel and stared at her.

"What? You love me to much, is that it? Hmm? I never should have let down my defenses, you weren't worth it." I hissed through clenched teeth.

Guinevere's face went pale, and she slowly untied my cloak and shoved it at me with shaky hands. Her eyes glared at me from beneath the veil of hair, they showed both hurt and anger as she looked at me. I straightened and threw my cloak on as she walked past me. I watched her walk away, her steps gaining speed until she broke into a run.

I sighed as she grew small in the distance.

_What have I done? Lancelot you bastard. _

I approached the wall tenderly, not really wanting to return. I had taken a long walk around, prolonging my return. I froze when her figure came into sight. She had collapsed against the side of the wall, with her knees clutched to her chest. I knew not why she had collapsed, either from exhaustion, or the exchange between the two of us. I stood off to the side, and drew my cloak around my body, and I watched her weep silently into her hands. I wanted nothing more then to run to her side, to take her into my arms and reassure her it would be fine. That I let my temper get the best of me. But yet I couldn't take her into my arms, I couldn't hold her body next to mine no longer. Her lips were to never touch mine again, and so with unsteady steps I walked past her shrunken frame.

* * *

"Lancelot…"

I turned quickly, I was nervous for no reason it seemed.

"Ah…Arthur." I said trying to smile, though my teeth rattled.

"Care to make rounds with me?" he asked motioning towards the gate.

I hesitated. Should I go? We would surely find Guinevere still shrunken by the side of the wall.

_You're the cause of this! You and your damn temper._

I nodded and Arthur motioned for me to follow. Conversation was short while we walked. I looked up at my friend nervously, not being able to stop myself from doing so. I opened my mouth to say something when the sounds of weeping caught both our ears. Arthur looked at me and continued to walk around the bin. There she was, like a small child, still crumpled and shivering from the wetness of her clothes. Her skin was very pale, and her hands shook. Arthur raced to her and bent down at once, removing his cloak and wrapping it around her small and trembling frame. He cupped her face and tilted her chin up to look into her tear filled eyes. He wiped the tear trails from her cheeks and kissed her forehead as I had just minutes ago.

"What happened?" he asked fear and concern mixed in his voice.

I saw her eyes set on me, and my blood ran cold. Her jaw set sternly and she wrapped her arms around Arthur's neck as he lifted her from the ground. Her eyes never left mine as she pressed herself to him, and the look on her face was one of pure vengeance.

"Arthur…" she whispered softly.

It made me sick, how she clung to him and rested her head on his shoulder. Had she not just clung to me in the same desirous way? She kept me in her line of sight until she snapped her head back to Arthur. I watched this with heartbroken eyes. There she was, the woman I loved in the arms of my best friend, and her lover. Her savior, which was what Arthur was. She was never my savior, only his. I bit the inside of my jaw until I could taste the blood. I clenched my fists and looked away, trying to keep my emotions veiled.

* * *

It was a day that should have been a glorious one yet there were dark unseen storm clouds forming, the lightening crackling, and ready to strike down and bring a wind of change.

I watched the bride, a woman I loved with all my heart, and the groom, my best friend and a man who had equal hold on my heart, stare into each other's eyes as I moved into my position behind Arthur

How tricky she was in her gaze I realized. She was not looking directly at Arthur but to those around us, it appeared as if she was staring directly into the eyes of the man she was marrying.

I watched her carefully, her eyes danced between Arthur and myself. But it seemed that she locked eyes with me for a moment, and whispered "I love you". I know Arthur smiled and she smiled in return and squeezed his hands

A tear, as much as I tried to fight it, to hold it and keep it back, began to form in my eye. I wanted to reach up and wipe it away but that would draw attention so I let it remain where it slid free from my eye and down my cheek and it in that instant, her eyes once more focused on me and she saw my tear.

It seemed the world stopped in that instant. Nothing else mattered but her and I. I felt the tear leave my cheek and I bowed my head to watch it's descent towards the ground.

I watched the tear strike the ground, shattering like that of a sword blade into a million pieces, thinking how it mirrored my heart which was weeping as well, breaking into many pieces within my chest.

"Guinevere...Arthur..."

My body trembled as Merlin's words came.

_Please...if there is any hope in this world. Make this stop. _

"You will now be joined..."

Another tear, I could already feel it gathering on my eyelash. I heard Gawain behind me say something how this was perfect. I wanted nothing more then to run him through, which was an inconceivable thought in my mind at all times.

_You know nothing of perfect....this is not perfect! What she and I had was perfect!_

_Never this...no never this_

It took every bit of strength of will power within my being to hold back from lashing out in that moment at Gawain, from striking him down. I heard a breath catch somewhere and with shock, realized it was my own, my own shocked response to the thought that had taken hold of me. I clutched my hands together, shaking, trying to remain still but failing. My heart was breaking, I could not watch this.

"I join you now as one..."

Both my heart and my world shattered. I looked towards her once more, and held back the tears when I once again found her gaze to be locked on mine, instead of her husband's.

There it was, at the corners of her eyes. Tears. Whether they were tears of joy or tears of sadness, they were there. Oh how I wished I could but reach out and wipe them away. To feel the softness of her cheeks, to be able to call her mine once more. But alas, she was now bound to Arthur, and that was a bond that could not even be broken by a swift blow of my sword…the powerful Lancelot's heart was now shattered.


	5. Chapter 5: Requiem for a Dream

Disclaimer: Still dont own anything!

note: I want to thank my friends Ashley and Dwight for helping me with this chapter! big hugs

* * *

_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 5- "Requiem for a Dream"

There was tightness in my chest. It wasn't from my physical wound, this was an emotional wound. My hands were trembling and I tried desperately to calm myself.

_End this nightmare…be done with it. Let me wake from this and find her next to me._

The scene didn't disappear; I stood there still, standing behind my best friend. The other three knights were lined up behind me; I was the front man, Arthur's right hand man. I could feel my cheeks flush when the thought passed my mind. A right hand man who tried to steal the love of another's wife.

People started towards the couple, and I backed up trying to stay away from them.

"Hail King Arthur and his Queen"

I blinked and tried to understand the words. Queen?

_No, not Queen. That is certain death for me; she will be placed on a mantel too far up for me to reach. _

I turned my back on them and started to walk away.

"Lancelot! Wait…"

I stopped in mid-step and turned to the smiling Arthur. I bowed my head to him in respect.

"Arthur…" I replied.

Arthur put his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me.

"My dear knight, we have come far on this path of destiny. Have we not?" he asked.

I nodded and let my eyes wander to where Guinevere stood behind us. When she saw my eyes locked on her she slowly took steps towards us.

"Guinevere and I would be so honored if you took up command of the Knights." Arthur said.

I stared at him.

_I don't want control. I want none of this; cast me from your sight._

My eyes darted to Guinevere as she reached Arthur's side.

"Arthur…I…"

"Think on it, and come to me when you've reached an answer." He said as he looped his arm around Guinevere's slender frame.

I ran my tongue over my lips and nodded.

"I will…thank you."

_

* * *

_

_Guinevere,_

_Sacred ties of love's sweet chain;_

_Destroyed apart; lost in the rain_

_This love's strong link isn't truly broken_

_Until parting words are spoken_

_Don't let this end_

_Not just yet_

_For even alone-you I'll never forget_

_Always,_

_ Your Knight_

I sat the pen down and placed the small paper on her bed. I ran a hand through my hair and turned away, wanting to finally have my leave. I made my way out to the stables slowly, my mind racing with memories.

_"Do you think we'll ever just…run away?" she asked as she sat up from the grass._

_I looked over at her and smiled._

_"Just say the word my lady and we will leave. Leave this place and start our own destiny." I whispered as I ran my finger down her arm._

_She turned to look at me, and a smile spread on her lips. _

_"I wish for nothing more…"_

Her words seemed to echo in my mind. I wanted to weep, but there were no tears. I wouldn't let her make me go to my knees; nothing put me on my knees. I entered the stables and went straight to my horse. The mare looked at me, and I patted her head softly.

"You ready for another ride? Hmm, ride far from here?" I asked.

The horse whinnied at me and I smiled.

"That's my girl." I replied as I reached for the reigns.

"And where are you going?"

I turned swiftly and almost reached for my swords. Bors stood behind me, cradling one of his many kids. I shook my head and turned back to the horse.

"I see the way you look at her Lancelot…and I see the way she looks at you."

My face nearly flushed at his words. I did my best to cover my reaction to them, making my face void of any emotion that might give me away.

"What do you mean?" I half laughed; turning my back to him, I knew the pain was clear in my eyes as well as the heartache and I would let no other see.

"You can't fool me." Bors came closer making some cooing sound to his child. "I have many children, all of different personality but the one thing they do share is pain and hurt that appears in their eyes – the same pain you have in your eyes now and I know why."

"I think you have been drinking too much again Bors." I approached my horse, still not facing him, trying to calm the storms of emotion that were raging inside of me.

"Maybe, but then again maybe I haven't." Bors walked up to my side, the child fast asleep in his arms, cheek pressed to his shoulder.

"But what I do know is that I see what is reflected in your eyes for her is also what I see mirrored in her own eyes. You can't fool me Lancelot, I know you love her."

I turned to face him, my body shaking as tears that came unbidden broke free from my eyes.

"She is Arthur's wife and queen now; she is no longer free to be mine!"

"Many a woman has left their husband for another it won't be the first time and won't be the last." Bors said.

"W-what are you saying? I can not destroy Arthur that way!"

"He would be destroyed worse if he knows that the woman, who claims to love him, loves him not but loves another. Sometimes destiny can be changed." With that Bors took his leave of me.

I watched him leave in silence, his words impacting me worse then I expected. I rubbed my eyes absentmindedly and leaned against the side of my horses stall.

_I will not destroy Arthur, I can not._

My horse nudged my shoulder softly and I looked up.

"You ready?" I asked before reaching for my saddle.

* * *

I could feel the clatter of the horse's hooves. It seemed the movement sought to break loose what was left of my heart. I focused on the road before me, trying to shake everything from my thoughts. I slowed the horses pace as the forest swallowed us.

_You run from yourself knight…_

I looked around me skeptically, knowing the forest housed Merlin and his Woad army. I shifted in the saddle as a feeling of uneasiness came over me. I looked to the sky and exhaled.

_This forest is haunted…_

"Nothing is haunted in this world save my dreams wizard." I replied.

"Then why don't you face your fears?" a voice asked from beside me.

I turned suddenly, and caught Merlin with my eyes. I pulled on the reigns and my horse came to a sudden stop. I felt the animal tense up and started to walk forwards in protest of my command.

He stood there, like a natural fixture of the forest, a forest elemental come to life perhaps he blended in with his surroundings so well.

"Do you wish to add to my already troubled thoughts wizard?" I asked as my horse finally protested in drawing any closer to the man.

It seemed as if he emitted a sense of ill ease that was not only restricted to humans picking up on but animals as well. I climbed off my horse and approached Merlin with caution, still keeping an eye out for any signs of an ambush, my hand resting on the hilt of my sword.

"Tell me knight, what troubles you enough to take a ride through the darkest of forest paths?" Merlin leaned back against a tree, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Festivities aren't to your liking?"

I tried not to let the comment catch me off guard, to show the surprise and I quickly straightened my back and shoulders.

"Are they not to your liking? I would think you would have stayed there longer to celebrate her day."

"What makes you say that? I have other duties to attend, if I had stayed longer I may have missed you Knight."

"Do not use me as an excuse" I said as I relaxed a bit.

"Calm yourself, I am not using you. You are in distress because of this day, of that I know."

I broke eye contact with him.

"Aye, I'm here because of the events of the day." I said blandly.

I heard him make a sound of understanding.

"You care for Guinevere deeply, and she shares these feelings." He replied.

"I care for her happiness, which she has now, married and Queen." I responded, anger coming to my voice.

"Just because of a marriage does not mean there will be happiness." Merlin said softly.

I shook my head.

"You do not make sense old man."

"What the heart feels and what the body does are two different things knight." Merlin said.

"One may give their body willingly but in their heart it is not to the one they want it to be given too." he added.

He motioned for me to follow and I took the horse's reigns. We walked deeper into the trees, and I heard footsteps and voices behind us.

"Pay no attention; they are just surprised to see a Knight entering our realm willingly." Merlin said without looking back at me.

My hand was on my swords again and I glanced around.

"I come here for the sheer fact that there is no other road to where I seek to go." I answered.

Merlin nodded and this time he stopped and looked at me.

"And where is that?"

I remained silent, not really knowing where I was really going. I looked up at Merlin and his eyes looked at me sympathetically.

"Come with me Knight…"

It seemed we walked forever, through the whispering trees, everything seeming to remind me of Arthur, the Saxons, the arrow…

We stepped out of the forest and into an area of land that seemed so familiar to me. Merlin continued to stare straight ahead, finally stopping as I continued to search my memory for why this place, these trees were so familiar to me and then before me, I saw why. There it stood before me, the chamber where we had found her. It sat in front of me like a demon from my nightmares. I glared towards Merlin,

"Why did you bring me here?" I demanded.

He motioned towards the burnt remains of the property.

"This is where you were heading was it not?" he asked.

I opened my mouth in protest, but nothing came. I silently nodded and Merlin smirked.

"Go there Knight, find what you're looking for, I will wait…"

I took a few steps forward hesitantly before climbing onto my horse and breaking into a run. I turned back to the forest and shot a look of rage towards the old man before I nudged the horse to go faster, faster towards the place that held so many memories."


	6. Chapter 6: Revelations

Ok, this chapter is written from Guinevere's POV, only because I needed some time to figure out my story line with Lancelot, so look at it as a...intermission:)

Disclaimer: Still dont own anything save for my ideas. But if you all would like to give me Lancelot or Ioan! ;)

Check my profile for the cover art I did for the story...

* * *

_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 6- "Revelations"

I knew I was wrong, what was I doing? All I was doing was hurting two people at the same time. I held two hearts in the palm of my hands, and one of them had raised up higher then the other. To whom this heart belongs, I share with only him. But this heart was now broken and lay crumpled in my mind.

_God send him back to me; bring him back to soothe this pain. _

I wish I could have told him, wish I wouldn't have said I chose Arthur, when both my soul and heart told me to choose him. He was my soul mate, he was my destiny. I wanted nothing more then to just see him smile once more, and know that I was the sole purpose for it being on his lips. I loved him, he knew this, and he loved me, I knew this as well. There was no excuse why I sent him away in the way I did. There was no excuse why I tormented him during the ceremony. Why had I done this?

_You wanted to see how much he would endure for you…_

I wrapped my arms around me as I walked in the cold, picturing that it was his arms. That I was once again wrapped in his warm, trusting, protecting arms and knowing that I would never come to harm while he was there. I knew Arthur was there for me, in an equally important way. But nothing can compare to the love that I felt with my fearless Knight, the Knight who had come to my side when a Saxon sought to kill me.

"Guinevere?"

I turned hopefully, wanting to see him standing there with open arms. But alas I saw my husband, and he wore a smile of hope on his face. I shut my eyes and a tear silently escaped unwillingly. I heard Arthur's steps coming nearer to me and I covered my face and wiped away any sign that I was distressed.

"Guinevere, I've been searching for you. What are you doing so far from the wall?" Arthur asked as he reached out to me.

I tried to put the best smile I could on my lips.

"Got caught up in my thoughts I suppose, you know me."

Arthur laughed and took me into his arms. These arms weren't as comforting as Lancelot's.

"Yes I suppose I do know you. You and Lancelot are always going off by yourselves; I wonder sometimes why you did not choose him."

_Oh do not say such things! I can not endure them!_

"Come, its growing cold." Arthur said as he turned me from my path.

I followed him, knowing it was no use to protest. The cold had already done its damage on my heart.

* * *

"Arthur!!"

I looked up at the voice and found it to belong to Galahad. The young Knight's eyes were dancing with distress.

"Galahad? What is it?" Arthur asked as he let me go.

"It's Lancelot, he's no where to be found."

_Oh god…not this_

"Bors said he came upon him in the stables earlier." Galahad was explaining.

I reached out to Arthur and fought through my tears,

"I take my leave, seems my journey took more out of me then I expected." I said as I left quickly.

I heard Arthur say something while I walked away.

"We need to find him Arthur…" Galahad responded.

The note was lying on my bed when I entered and I picked it up quickly. I read the heartfelt words and finally let my tears overcome me. I clutched the small piece of paper to my heart and looked out the window.

"Come back to me…that is all I ask, come back…"

* * *

I have 2 more previously written chapters left, seems I cant quite get Chapter 9 done, but they're coming! Thanks for reading. 


	7. Chapter 7: Captive Heart

Note: To all of those Arthur/Clive fans, I'm working on trying to get a chapter just for you all, I just love Lancelot alittle more, but I'll work on it! Anyways, thanks for the comments, SparrowSavvy your comments always seem to make my day! Thank you so much.

Disclaimer: Still dont own anything, just the ideas.

* * *

_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 7- "Captive Heart"

_"They did…unspeakable things…"_

_I saw her eyes flicker in pain and I reached out to her. She put her hand on mine softly but continued._

_"They…they made me say things that I had never thought of in my life. They said if I confessed I would be spared…"_

_She put her head in her hands and started to weep. I moved closer to her and she reached out for me, she gripped my hands tightly and I let her, knowing she needed it._

_"Guinevere, don't speak of this anymore…" I whispered as I kissed her throat._

_She shook her head,_

_"No…it needs to be reveled, I need it gone from my thoughts." she answered._

_I wanted to tell her that it would never leave her, that she would live with it forever._

_"That's when they tied my hands and legs…"_

I jumped off my horse and walked slowly to the chamber. The door was open and black flame marks shown on the walls. I tenderly approached this place; I didn't want to enter now, even less then when I went in the first time. I stepped inside the broken doorway and squinted in the darkness. My feet followed the path I had walked not twelve weeks before.

I put my hand on the wall and followed it down the dark hallway. The whole place smelled of fire, and I could feel the ash on the walls. I ignored it and pressed on until I saw light before me.

"Heavenly father…"

I came into the light and shut my eyes as the sight came before me. The cells, the bars…

"You again?"

I turned towards the voice and found the priest we had found on our first journey into this dark world.

_"It was the tall priest, the sickly looking one that did the things; he's the one that tied me up…"_

I felt rage build up inside of me, spreading through me like a consuming fire, the heat entering every part of my body but I kept my anger in check, the priest staring stoically at me, his dull eyes seeming to be the only hint that he was not a spirit but flesh and blood.

"Why have you come back here?" he asked moving slowly, barely making a sound.

I watched him somewhat float towards me, I unsheathed the swords from their place on my back and he stopped as I pointed them towards him.

"Stop, I assume you remember what I did last time I was here." I scoffed.

The man glared at my sinisterly and made a sign across his body.

"Why do you remain here?" I demanded.

"This is a holy place!!" he yelled.

"Why do you remain here? Will I find more captive souls in here if I look?" I shouted at him.

The man backed up a few paces from me and said nothing.

"Do not make me kill you…" I threatened.

The man stared at me and started at me again in his eerie way. I watched him float towards me like a damanable spirit, his long stringy hair framing his face, spilling onto his shoulders as his eyes narrowed and he made a movement within his robes. My hands gripped the ends of the swords and started forward with them,he stopped midway and whatever he had been reaching for within his robes, he released and held his hands up.

"Remove what you were sir and drop it." I commanded.

The priest shook his head, and I walked closer to him. I stopped near him, the tips of my swords deathly near his throat.

"Drop it…" I said again slowly.

The priest obeyed and he dropped something to the floor. I looked down and saw a small blade. I smirked and looked back to him,

"You meant to kill me? Hmm?" I asked as I drew closer to him.

The priest swallowed and looked down at the swords. He began to pray in another language and I pulled back.

"Is there anyone in these cells?" I asked.

He shook his head, but continued to pray.

_"They placed my hand in a machine, a machine with a leather strap that held my wrist in place…"_

I walked into an adjacent room and stopped in my tracks. There it was, sitting in the middle of the room. A small machine, placed on an old wood table, the machine itself was small, with a small hand sized hole in the middle of it. I turned back to the priest,

"Get in here…" I commanded.

He shuffled towards me slowly and peered into the room. I pointed to the object with a sword.

"What does that do?" I asked.

The priest remained silent, and didn't look up at me.

"Answer me, or I swear I'll use the thing on you." I threatened.

The priest sighed,

"It pulls bone from bone, makes an awful popping noise when it happens."

My blood ran cold and I shoved him towards the machine.

"What do you do?" I asked again.

He looked at me nervously, knowing that if he didn't please me I would kill him.

"The prisoner must put their hand in this, it snaps the fingers in the other end, and then we crank the wheel. The bones and skin can only stretch so much…" he replied.

_"I remember screaming for them to stop, telling them the things they wanted to hear, but it continued to pull and soon I heard a sickening popping as my fingers…"_

_"Guinevere, do not say these things…" I grabbed her shoulders and looked into her pain filled eyes._

_"Lancelot…" she whispered before she clung to me._

_I smoothed down her hair and soothed her._

_"I was lucky…for they did worse to others." she said softly against my chest._

"We start it out slow, letting the prisoner feel the sensation of the skin and bones being lightly pulled then increase it more till they confess." The priest explained.

I looked at the man menacingly, and saw that he was not looking at me while he said this. He continued to stare at the device and slowly started to rub his grimy hands together. I was disgusted by the thought and I grabbed him by the throat and pulled him towards me.

"You get pleasure from this?" I demanded.

He looked up at me and a smile spread on his lips, revealing his bacteria eaten teeth.

"It is the will of god that sinners be punished." he said

I grabbed his hand and shoved it into the machine. He yelled for me to stop, that he was a man of god and that this punishment wasn't meant for him. I sat him down in the chair that sat before the table and pulled the leather strap tightly around his chest. And I slowly tightened the strap around his wrist, all the while he yelled for me to stop.

"Please…this is not meant for me!" he screamed.

I put his fingers into the clamp and turned the wheel a few times, he roared in pain and I stopped. I hadn't pulled anything loose, that wasn't my desire.

"Go with god then." I replied as I left the room.

* * *

I heard the screams of the condemned man as I appeared in the sunlight. I returned my swords to their sheath.

"Did you find anything in this?"

I turned on my heel and faced Merlin. I bit my lower lip, trying to keep my temper back.

"You sent me in there to find her torture chamber!" I roared.

Merlin grasped his walking stick and nodded.

"You had to see what she went through Lancelot, to understand someone; you must know what they have endured."

I looked skyward and reached for my horse. I mounted swiftly and stared down at Merlin.

"This has taught me nothing, only made me feel worse about wanting to leave her to rot." I said as I turned to ride away.

"Saxon's are coming again…"

I could feel my spine tingle at the words. I turned the horse towards him and the old man nodded sadly.

"They are forming again just south of here."

I cursed under my breath. Merlin walked closer and patted my horses flank.

"Ride back and warn Arthur and the other Knights." he replied.

I ran my hand through my hair and kicked my horse lightly, she started to gallop quickly and I looked back once more at Merlin, and to my own surprise he was gone.

_

* * *

_

_What will I tell her? What can I say?_

I could see the faint outline of the wall in the distance. I wanted to get there faster, to warn them so they could prepare, but alas I knew that my horse wouldn't make it if pushed further. I closed my eyes and whispered something to the air, hoping that the wind would take it to the wall quicker, and that it touch the fair cheek of Guinevere. I opened my eyes and continued on.

* * *

"Open the gate!" I demanded as I approached.

"Lancelot! Lancelot rides towards…" I heard the gate keepers call down.

And there she was suddenly, gripping the side of the wall as I rode in the gate. I turned to see her. Her hair was blowing about her face and she had her hand on her chest.

I dismounted quickly and handed the horse to the stable boy. I raced quickly to towards Arthur's quarters but I was cut off as she stepped in front of me. I ran into her softly, unable to stop myself quickly enough.

"Where have you been?" she asked, concern coming over her face.

I didn't want to talk to her.

_I ran from you, I ran from this. But you are in danger and I can't ignore that. I can not ignore the need to protect both you and Arthur._

"I need to speak to Arthur, we will discuss this later." I said as I moved her aside.

I knew she was watching me as I walked away, and I knew of the tears that were now running down her cheeks. I could do nothing for her at the moment but talk to her husband and warn him of the threat.

* * *

I pushed the doors open to the room that held the Round Table. All the Knights looked up as I swiftly entered the room.

"Lancelot!...why…"

I ignored the comment that came from Bors and I kneeled at Arthur's side. Arthur's green eyes met mine and I wanted nothing more then to beg him to forgive me for touching his wife, for betraying him.

"Lancelot, my friend…" he got up from his seat and pulled me from my kneeling position.

He clutched me to him, his heartbeat racing as mine was. I returned the gesture for a moment before I pulled away.

"There is Saxon formation coming this way…" I informed them all.

The Knights stood from their seats and I looked sadly on all them.

"We must fight the bastards once more…"


	8. Chapter 8: Quoi Qu’il ArriveCome What Ma...

I decided that I'm just going to upload 8 and 9, seeing as they are the last pre-written chapters that I have, so enjoy!!

Note: I named this chapter in French, because I've always loved the french language, very pretty! again, thanks to everyone who helped with this chapter :)

Disclaimer: Still do not own anything, boo.

_

* * *

_

_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 8- "Quoi Qu'il Arrive"_(Come What May)_

Arthur looked to the other knights, each one nodding their head in turn before his gaze came to rest on the group.

"We will fight them and drive them back." he said.

It was at this point that Guinevere came into the meeting hall, obviously standing at the doors and overheard what had been discussed.

"Another war?" she asked coming over to Arthur and I.

She barely looked at me, but I could see the fading tear stains on her cheeks.

"When do we fight?" she asked.

"You don't," Arthur replied. "As my queen you are to remain safe, away from war."

"I can hold my own." she replied staring at Arthur with burning eyes.

"I know you can my dear, but I don't want to lose focus on my men if something should happen to you." Arthur placed his hands on her shoulder then looked at me.

"Lancelot, I want you to remain here with Guinevere, guard her."

I nearly fell over in shock, a protest coming on my lips but Arthur raised his hand up and laid it on my shoulder.

"I trust you Lancelot to guard that which I hold close to my heart. Even though I know you will miss the excitement of the battle, 'tis better that you remain here and watch after Guinevere." He smiled at me and the protest was still on the verge of my lips yet something prevented me from giving it.

My tongue held and I could only nod.

* * *

I stared at the grave sadly, the hawk feathers swayed in the wind. I watched them; knowing Tristan would want nothing else tied to his sword. I glanced at the grave of Dagonet, the box that had once held our deeds still lay on the mound.

"You both were so silent, yet the smartest of us all. I…we miss you, and soon I fear some of us will join you my brothers." I said softly.

"Do not say such things…"

I hadn't heard her footsteps approaching and I felt the blood rush to my cheeks. I exhaled the breath I had sucked in and continued to stare at the graves.

"I'm afraid…" her words were soft.

I looked back to her and she came to my side. She had never been afraid; she was too strong for that.

"I'm afraid I've lost your love my dear knight."

My eyes dropped to the ground. _This wasn't true was it? _

"Guinevere…"

She cupped my face in her hand and traced my jaw line.

"I'm Queen, and a warrior. But there is no power like the one you hold on my heart." she whispered.

My knees were getting shaky from her touch.

"My brave knight, it seems I don't deserve you."

"Guinevere, do not…"

She put her finger on my lips to silence me.

"Do me but one last request…" she said.

"Anything…" I choked out.

She caressed my cheek softly, our bodies pressed together tightly and I felt my arms encircle her waist, and I pulled her closer in a strong embrace. The fire within my body burning hotly as she titled her head up and kissed me on the lips softly, our eyes locked and her arms went around my neck. I could feel my need for her rising and I fought against my will to give into this desire.

"We can't do this." I murmured against her lips.

She paid no attention to me and continued her actions. My mind screamed at me to stop, that I couldn't do this to Arthur, and I tried to make myself push, yet I found myself refusing to prevent her from pulling me to her, and to the ground. I knew I wanted her, and I couldn't stop myself from the actions that would follow.

_You are in plain sight, you fool!_

I pulled away once again and she stared at me with sad eyes. I fought against myself and I proceeded to get up. She pulled on my arm and I looked back down at her,

"I need you." she whispered.

I stopped and stared at her. _Do not do it, don't give in…_. I shoved my thoughts behind me as her eyes ate through my defenses. I leaned back at her and claimed her lips with mine eagerly.

I heard the footsteps first and pulled away, Guinevere jumped up and away from me as if I were poisonous.

"Did he fall over again in a drunken stupor?"

Bors appeared beside us and Guinevere laughed softly. Her eyes locked on mine and I tried to open my mouth to say something, but no words would come to me.

"Yes, I found him while coming to pay my respects…stumbled over him I did." she replied.

I smiled softly at her and let me gaze wander towards Bors.

"Aye…and I was sleeping so well." I replied, trying to sound as drunk as I possibly could.

Bors laughed and raised his clay pitcher up.

"Aye…" he replied as he took another swallow.

Guinevere sighed and turned away from him and re-fastened the top of her dress. She stared at me while she did this and I tried to contain myself. I sat up on my knees and glanced between the two of them.

"Arthur sent me to check on you." Bors said.

My gaze shifted to her at the mention of Arthur's name. She tensed for a moment before swallowing the lump in her throat, she looked down at me.

"Then I take my leave…goodnight my dear knights." she said.

"Aye, goodnight my lady." My voice caught in my throat.

I watched her leave, before turning back to Bors who was laughing at me with a penetrating gaze. I bowed my head and placed my forehead in my hand, I heard Bors come towards me and I felt him help me up.

"I know that you are not drunk." he said to me.

I locked gazes with him and he sighed and turned away from me.

"And do not think that I didn't see the actions that were playing out." he said.

I rolled my eyes skyward, cursing myself that I had let anything happen.

_Do not lie to yourself; you were yearning for but just two moments with her._

"You were in a public place Lancelot! Ye gods…" Bors replied as he came near me.

I sighed and nodded in shame. Had I not just yelled at myself for that sheer fact? I looked at him and I could feel the guilt wash over me.

"But…fear not my brother, I wont tell a soul. For I know that she loves you deeply and if I were to tell it would break her heart beyond repair, and I haven't the heart to defy both my brother and my Queen."

I smiled and he patted me on the back a couple of times. I tensed myself for the blows and shot a soft smile in his direction.

"We ride to war tomorrow…" Bors said as the bottle left his lips again.

I nodded but remained silent; I wouldn't ride with my brothers for this. I wouldn't be able to feel the excitement of the battle, and if my brothers fell, I wouldn't be there to pick them up.

"I ride for you tomorrow Lancelot. I ride for you courage, ride for everything you've dealt with." Bors said as he looked at me, his gaze sobering slightly as he searched my face.

"Bors…" I felt my voice crack as I tried to hold back the tears.

_Do not let him see you cry…you know you'd never hear the end of it. _

I nodded and bowed my head slightly towards him in respect. I felt his arm go around my shoulders and he pulled me tightly to his body.

"We all ride for you."

* * *

I watched as the Knights prepared for the battle. I sat on the hay stack and sharpened my neglected blades. My eyes lifted slowly as I heard Arthur's voice entering the stables, I took a deep breath but didn't acknowledge him.

"Knights…"

_Damn you for leaving me…_

I looked up and sheathed my swords. Arthur was staring at me, but not speaking towards me.

"We ride to battle shortly, and I just wanted to say that it will be an honor fighting beside you once more."

I jumped off my perch and started to walk past all of them, saying my various goodbyes, everyone called after me and I stepped out into the sunlight. I heard Arthur call out to me and I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Lancelot, I want you to know that I will miss you today as we ride." Arthur said.

I smirked and let my gaze wander around the encampment. _This is folly, why should I be left here to protect Guinevere? _I felt my breath catch at the thought of her.

"Must we speak on this matter at the moment?" I asked.

Arthur's eyes appeared sad a weary as he looked at me.

"Do not hold my decision against me, Lancelot." he said as he ran a tired hand through his hair.

I sighed and kicked at the dirt with my foot. Maybe this was the right thing to do, to stay here, left behind.

"I do not hold it against you Arthur, I just hate that I cannot be there to watch over you all…" I said.

"If you were to be injured again I wouldn't be able to forgive myself!" Arthur exclaimed.

_I was injured for the sole purpose of saving your wife._

"Guinevere came to me last night, worried that you weren't handling this well." he said.

I laughed and Arthur gave me an apprehensive glance. I waved my actions off and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Do not worry, I'm just bitter at the moment; just bring them all home with you when you return." I said.

Arthur nodded and smiled as he put his hand on mine,

"I promise you."


	9. Chapter 9: Defeated

My last previously written chapter! Seems this story wants to run me into the ground with stress before I can finish it, but I'm getting there. Hope you enjoy!! Thanks to Mark for help on this chapter big hugs for him!!

Disclaimer: nope dont own nothing....nada

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_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 9- "Defeated"

The sound of horses faded away with the afternoon sun. I sighed and looked around me; people stared up at me helplessly. I gave them the best smile I could manage and set off for my other purpose. I walked silently through the encampment, knowing her eyes were on me from above. _Don't do it again, do not let her control you. _I knew that I was right, that I shouldn't go to her, but my body was calling for her. Calling for the love and aide that only she could deliver.

She stood quietly by the window, looking down at the people that swarmed below. I saw her body collapse with a sigh and I took a small step towards her. She raised a hand and I froze, but she only reached to her hair and pulled it from its up do. It spilled down onto her shoulders in a shower and I felt myself sigh.

"You shouldn't spy on people."

My breath caught as she turned around, the sunlight hitting her softly and giving her a radiant glow. I smiled and motioned if I could move closer. She smiled at me and reached out for me.

"There is a warning in my heart that something is about to come." she said as she took hold of my hand.

I watched as she interlaced our fingers carefully together. I let me gaze rise to hers and her eyes looked as weary as Arthur's.

"I'm happy with Arthur, Lancelot, I really am. But then again I find myself finding the same happiness occurs when I'm with you. I'm not like the tavern girls, I do not wish to be." she said.

I laughed softly and she kissed me lightly on the lips. When she pulled away I looked at her questioningly.

"What do you wish for me to do?" I asked.

She pulled her hand from mine, and I felt the warmth rush from my palm. She looked out the window again.

"When I was young, learning how to fight, my father told me that there would be three major battles in my lifetime. I didn't understand him at first, but now I'm beginning to see the start." She explained.

"Three? Well now…"

She turned towards me, and I fell silent.

_Sarcasm isn't right for this time…_

"I've gone to war with Saxons, for a start." she paused for a second. "And the second battle is still raging, for this one is inside me, in my heart." she laid a hand across her breast.

I averted my eyes from her, but she continued.

"This is the battle for my heart, and both you and Arthur will battle till death, I know this, you know this." she said.

_It seems I am losing._

I nodded, but still didn't glance at her. I heard her say something softly to herself and I looked up at her. I found her looking at me, her eyes running over me.

"What am I to do?" she asked.

I took a deep breath,

"You let one of us go my lady. And by the way you have been speaking to me; I take it I am the one." I replied.

Her face filled with sadness.

"No…"

I bowed my head in respect and took my leave of her.

* * *

I stared at the sky from my spot on the wall. My left leg dangled off the side, but I paid no attention. I shut my eyes for a moment, trying to clear all thoughts that raced through my mind.

_The Bishop opened the box,_

_"I suppose the Saxons will claim it soon…"_

_All of the Knights stared up at him, and I could feel a sneer coming onto my face. Arthur glanced at me before turning to the Bishop._

_"Saxons?"_

_The Bishop nodded and stopped his task._

_"Yes. In the north a massive Saxon incursion has occurred." He stated before looking away._

_I made an exasperated noise,_

_"Saxons only claim what they kill." I responded._

_"And they only kill everything…" Gawain added._

I opened my eyes and I smirked, Saxons, dirty men with no pride. I shook my head and I sat up, I threw my leg over the side and quietly made haste towards my quarters.

I pushed the door to my rooms open and entered. I locked the door behind me and I unhooked my cloak from my shoulders and threw it towards a chair.

"Did your mother not tell you how to clean up after yourself?"

I reached for my swords and drew one of them out and pointed it towards the darkened corner.

"Oh, put it down Lancelot, you know I mean you no harm, although I can't say the same for my heart which seems to burden you."

I sighed and put the sword back in its place. I propped my foot up on another chair and angrily started to unlace my boots. I heard the sound of her robes on the floor coming near me; I did not acknowledge her as I threw the second boot down. Her arm came around my chest and I felt her lips near my ear. I tore away from her and glared in her direction.

"What do you want Guinevere?! It seems you want me one moment but then can caste me aside as if I were but your dog." I exclaimed.

She looked down sadly and I saw her head bob in agreement. I let out an exasperated moan and threw my hands in the air.

"If you mean to toy with my heart, just tell me my lady, for I would fair better if I knew I was about to be cast aside." I declared.

"You know nothing of my situation! I cannot just cast aside my husband..." she yelled back.

"I see, but you would quickly cast aside the man who sacrificed his life for you! Is that it? Should I build you a castle, give you serfs, and give you a crown to put upon your head? Is that would it would take for you to love me?" I cried.

"I do love you! Do you not see me standing here, taking all what you are saying? I do this for love, our love, Lancelot please…" she reached her hand out gingerly and brushed my hand.

I didn't draw away from the gesture and she pulled closer to me hesitantly.

"But do not sir, cast me aside before I have said my part." she addressed me.

I let my eyes fall upon her again, not able to keep myself from doing so.

"Then speak your part lady." I said.

She put her hands on both sides of my face and tilted it down slightly so I was gazing into her eyes directly.

"I have no need for words…" she whispered as she pulled my lips to hers.

_Stop this now, do not let it grow. _

I went to push myself away, but she grabbed my hands in her own and held them tightly.

"Do not deny me, for you know that you can not." she whispered as our lips separated for but a moment.

"I do not deny you lady, I just caution myself." I replied as I turned my head away from her.

I felt her kiss my neck lightly, trying to persuade me to look, but I held firm. I closed my eyes tightly; the action seemed to be the only defense not up.

"Do you still not believe me when I say I love you?" she asked as she turned my head to her.

"I believe you Guinevere." I said, her name escaping my lips like a prayer.

"Then do not fight."

She kissed me again, and I felt myself swoon and soon I fell completely into her power.

* * *

The blood-curdling scream from down below made my skin tingle. I pulled my arm out from under Guinevere's sleeping profile and made my way to the window in the darkness. Another scream greeted me as I peered out into the night, and I pulled away from the window.

I was quickly dressed as more screams began to reach my ears.

"Lancelot!!"

I turned towards the window as my name was ripped from someone's throat. I heard Guinevere stir, and I rushed to the bed.

"Lancelot?" she asked softly.

"Guinevere, the city is being attacked, I want you to get dressed and leave through the back, do you remember when Arthur and I showed it to you?" I asked quickly.

She nodded and sat up and clutched the blankets. I went to the door and prepared to leave when she called me back.

"Please come back to me…" she pleaded, tears visible in her voice.

I sighed and quickly went back to her, I kissed her tenderly and caressed her face softly,

"I'll come back for you, now go, there is a bow in that room there." I pointed to the adjoining room.

She nodded and I went to open the door when it was forcefully kicked in. I fell back slightly and unsheathed my blades.

"In here…"

The accent was thick and I could detect that they were Saxon. Guinevere had risen from the bed and was now lacing her dress up.

"Lancelot!"

I heard her yell before I saw the blade swing but inches from my face. I leaned back and it missed me.

"Guinevere, get out of here!" I hissed as I swung my blade.

I felt the blade strike the man, and I pulled it out. A loud thump echoed through my room and I backed into the light. I could see that there were three large men standing near the door.

"A Sarmatian Knight." The growl came from the door.

I saw Guinevere reach for the bow in the shadows, unseen by the men.

"Aye, a Sarmatian." I replied.

They laughed and another came at me. I saw his blade coming down on me and I swung both of mine above my head, blocking the strike. The familiar noise of metal on metal made my heart pound faster. I pushed him back, and he stumbled for his footing, I stepped forwards and quickly ran my through his leather vest. A soft mist of red fell softly as he fell to the ground with a moan. The sweat was beginning to form on my brow and I felt it fall down my face, I saw the other two look up from their fallen brother with shaken glances. I smirked and beckoned for them to come, I saw one motion to the others in the direction that Guinevere had gone and he nodded.

_Don't let them know._

"I'll take care of this." The man said as he looked back at me.

The other man disappeared into the darkness as the other came at me with full force; I dodged his attack, and I felt the swords slip from my grip. I watched as they slid closer to the door, and I looked up at the man. He laughed and I cursed myself, he swung at me again, the blade barely brushing my throat. I moved quickly and threw myself at my blades, I hit the small table that the candles rested on, and they fell to the floor and the room was doused in darkness. I felt the ends of the blades, and as the man approached me quickly I shoved them at him with all my might, the man let out a moan before falling to the floor, dead. I stood and swung my blades in my hands, then I heard the scream ring out.

_Guinevere._

I ran down the darkened hallway, following the sounds of her struggling.

"Stop this…"

I stopped in the doorway and saw that they had her tightly by the arms and blood poured from a wound at her throat.

"Lancelot…" her voice was frail now.

My anger flooded every cell in my body as I watched this.

"Your fight is with me, not with her." I demanded as I pointed my blades at them.

I heard a laugh from the back and I felt the rage come to my throat.

"Unhand her…"

"Or what…"

The blade was placed to her throat again, and she looked at me quickly, her eyes pleading. I saw the closest one out of the corner of my eye and I spun around and brought my blade through him with a sickening wet slice. The man dropped to his knees and moaned, before my second blade ran through his neck. Slowly I returned my glance to Guinevere's captors.

"Unhand her…"

I felt the hard hit to the back of my head, and saw Guinevere's eyes widen before my sight went red and then slowly faded to black.


	10. Chapter 10: Worth Fighting For

Woohoo, another chapter yay! Hope you enojoy! I did this chapter from all three POV's because I know people wanted some more Arthur, so here ya go! :)

Diclaimer: nope still dont own nada!

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__What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 10- "Worth Fighting For…"

My eyes opened slowly, but soon shut due to the blinding pain that shot through my head.

_What have you gotten yourself into this time?_

I took a deep breath and went to move my hands, but found them to be tightly bound by ropes. My vision cleared and I looked down to the floor.

There she was, crumpled on the floor, her clothing ripped. I felt the sting of tears at the sight, and I let out a moan.

"Guinevere…" my voice started to leave me.

I saw her stir, and finally her eyes were on mine.

"Lancelot…" I could hear the tears in her voice.

"Oh gods Guinevere."

She moved to sit up and her neck was exposed. I winced at the gash that now covered the side of her throat. She stood up and took a moment to catch her balance.

"Love, untie me and I'll get you as far away as I possibly can." I said softly.

She smiled, but the wound that she now carried kept my attention. She silently untied my bonds and touched the marks that were now burned into my skin. I shook her off and tenderly turned her head to look at the wound.

"Guinevere…"

The wound was deep, but didn't seem too fatal. She shook her head, and her hands searched my body.

"Are you hurt?" she asked.

I smiled and kissed her, she let her lips linger on mine before she collapsed against me.

"I thought you were dead, they dragged you from the room and all I could do was scream out for you…you were so limp." Her tears were overpowering her voice.

I rubbed her back softly and kissed the crown of her head. I shut my eyes as another round of sobs racked her body.

"But I'm alright, see? We're both ok…we're ok…" I soothed her, and slowly her sobs started to cease.

"Come, let's leave this place." I said as I took her hand in mine.

She nodded and I reached for my armor. Guinevere watched as I dressed quickly, I unsheathed one of my blades and took her hand again. We started out of the room, and I softly pulled her along with me. Her movement seemed weak and I turned to face her.

"Guinevere?"

She looked up at me; her eyes were puffy and red from the tears. Her face softened which made my fear lighten a bit.

"I didn't mean for you to come to harm, I would have given my life rather than see this." I said.

She nodded and motioned for us to continue.

"I know Lancelot, but please let us leave…I want to be somewhere else…"

"I'll take you somewhere safe my love, I promise." I cut her off.

"Lancelot…I don't need to be somewhere safe, I only need to be with you, I'm safe with you."

I looked back at her and sighed.

_I let you down…_

Her eyes searched my face and I looked down the hall, assuring it was clear. I turned back to her and drew her into an embrace. I heard her take a deep breath before I let her go.

* * *

She gripped my hand tightly as we made our way towards the main exit. I glanced back at her every few seconds and frowned when I noticed the look of fear hadn't left her face. She was so afraid, I had never seen her like this, and she was strong. A shrill scream made me turn towards the doorway, where a woman stood crying. She turned towards us and she let out a cry of relief when she saw me.

"Lancelot! My lady, they are burning our homes!" she cried.

I looked out the doorway and felt the heat of the flames on my face, smoke rose all around us and I could barely make out the forms of people running. I turned to Guinevere and placed my hands on her shoulders.

"I want you to get to that door, save as many as you can, but you get yourself out of here, do you understand me?" I demanded.

She nodded, but her eyes remained on the woman in the door. I turned slightly and was about to pull the woman from the door when an arrow came flying through the air. The arrow pierced the woman in the chest and she fell forward before I could catch her.

Guinevere cried out and clutched my arm. I cursed loudly and backed us away from the doorway. I looked back at Guinevere,

"Get to that door Guinevere; I won't see this happen to you…" I said as I pointed towards the fallen woman.

**

* * *

****Arthur: **

I looked up as the flap of my tent was pulled back. I closed the map as a young man stumbled in. I stood from my chair as he came to a stop before me, sweat dripped from his forehead and his breaths were labored.

"Lancelot…under…Saxons…" the young man struggled for words.

I felt a cold trickle of fear run through my body and the mention of Lancelot.

"What about Lancelot? What has happened?" I asked quickly.

The young man simply looked at me, as his breathing started to normalize. The fear had quickly spread through my body. My friend, my queen, the two people I cared for the most were in danger, or worse. I didn't let myself linger on this thought and I felt myself growing angry at the young man.

"Do not hold your tongue boy! For I swear on pain of death I will cut it out if you do not tell me!" I growled, my tone raising and making the young man straighten sharply.

He swallowed and bowed his head.

"Saxons have attacked Hadrains Wall, and have killed most of the guards you left behind. They've killed women, and have even thrown babies from the side. Lancelot can not hold them my lord, and if he is left there, he and your Queen will soon meet a fate worse then others."

My fingers were digging into the table and I looked away from the man, my anger rising with every breath.

"You listen to me carefully, my Knights and I are not quite prepared to ride, for some have come to sustain injuries and are not yet stitched. I want you to ride back and help Lancelot for as long as you can until we can arrive." I said.

The young man stared at me for a moment, and I could see the fear come to his eyes. I sighed,

"I will not leave you to die, I assure you. I will come shortly, now go!" I said.

He nodded and left hurriedly. I sat back into the chair and ran a hand across my brow.

"Tell me that he is fine. Give me a sign that both still live." I whispered.

"Arthur!"

I looked at Bors and nodded in his direction. Gawain looked from his arm that was being stitched closed.

"Arthur?"

I sighed and patted Galahad on the shoulder.

"We must ride shortly…as soon as we can. Hadrains Wall has come under attack, Saxons have killed anything that they could, and Lancelot stands alone, not to mention Guinevere…"

Bors stood up and reached for his weapons.

"Lets us leave then."

**

* * *

****Lancelot:**

We stepped into the smoke, and Guinevere clutched my arm. My hands shook slightly at the thought of having to fight yet again, the hilts of my swords felt wet in my palms. Women and small children were screaming, and searching their way through the thick smoke. Guinevere started to cough and she let go of me to cover her mouth from the poisonous smoke. I walked at her side and saw that a group had started to follow us. Guinevere's eyes looked at me, and I tried to smile softly at her.

We reached the small passageway and I turned towards the group that was behind me.

"I want you to follow Guin…The Queen; she'll lead you to safety." I said.

Helpless eyes stared up at me and I pushed the wooden door open, they slowly started through it. Guinevere lingered behind and she sought for my hand.

"Let me stay with you, let me help." She pleaded.

I shook my head and put my hand on her cheek.

"I don't want…"

She put her finger on my lips, and glared at me.

"I don't want you to die either, now stop being so damn proud and let me help you." she demanded.

I smirked and kissed her softly, I silently moved closer to the door with her still in my grip.

"I wish I could my love, but…" I spun her around and pushed her through the doorway and closed the door.

I heard her pound on the other side.

"Lancelot!! Do not do this!" she screamed.

I sighed and looked up; she would never forgive me for this. My thoughts were interrupted as a large Saxon ran towards me. I moved quickly so his axe hit the door, he grunted and pulled on the weapon and it sprung from the wood. I twirled my swords once and he came at me again. We parried for a moment before the hilt of his axe hit me sharply in the face. I fell back and he hovered over me, he smiled as he started to bring his axe down on me. I kicked him swiftly and he stumbled backwards into the wall, the axe falling from his grip. I stood quickly and stood before him, he cursed me in his native tongue and he leaned his head back to glare at me. I quickly crossed my blades at his throat and scissored them, the bite of metal to flesh was quick and I heard the blood spurt, and felt it warm on my chin and face.

**

* * *

****Guinevere:**

I pounded on the door with all my strength, wanting nothing more then yell at Lancelot for this. I went to bring my fists to it again when a large axe blade splintered the wood, not inches from my face. I gasped and fell back away from it.

_Lancelot._

Curse his pride, I could help him and he knew it. I heard a loud grunt from behind the door and I shrank down in front of it. Fear made my body tremble, this troubled me, I hadn't been afraid like this when we first fought the Saxons.

_You're afraid because the man you now love is fighting for you, and only you._

I sighed and looked at the group that was huddled together on the edge of the forest.

_You're afraid because Lancelot may not escape this one, he stands alone. Arthur may not arrive and help insure Lancelot's survival. You're afraid because now you know you can't fare without him._

I stood up from my spot, and motioned towards the group.

"Hurry, into the shelter of the forest…" I said as I started towards them.

I looked back at the door, knowing I would have to return.


	11. Chapter 11: Underneath the Smoke

You all are to sweet, thanks for the reviews! :)

Disclaimer: Nope, dont own anything, although I'm tempted to kidnap Ioan hehe

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__What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 11- "Underneath the Smoke"

My eyes burned from the smoke, and I rubbed at them desperately. I walked blindly towards the sounds of screaming, and I always found the same thing, Saxons. I would disperse of them quickly, and move to get the women or children quickly.

I walked forward hesitantly, my blades in front of me protectively. I heard the soft crying before I could see anything in front of me. I walked closer to the noise.

"Where are you?" I asked.

I heard the soft gasp, and the rustling of clothes. A child cried out and I took a small step backwards as a figure started towards me. Then I saw her, he face was covered with soot, and ashes covered her red hair.

"Lancelot…"

"Vanora?" her name left my throat softly.

There were tear stains on her cheeks and she reached out for me. She trembled as I pulled her to me,

"Please…they've already taken two of the children, I cannot…"

I pulled away from her and beckoned for her to follow me.

"Come…I'll get you and the children to safety." I said

She nodded and called for the children, they appeared out of the smoke like ghosts. I nodded and turned to leave but three men stepped in front of us. I put my hand out to block Vanora and the children and the men laughed.

"It's the Sarmation." One said.

"Stay back, gather the kids." I whispered to her.

Vanora nodded and she disappeared from my side.

"Why have you come here?" I demanded.

They all laughed this time, and cut the air with their weapons. I gripped my swords and watched them intently, waiting for an attack.

"It'll be an honor to kill you…" the largest one spoke up.

They started at me and I blocked most of the swings. My blades made contact with ones chest and he fell to the ground. Another swung at me, and I dodged the attack. He grunted and came once more, and I shoved my blade through his neck, his body went ridged and blood seeped through his lips. I pulled away from him and he slid to the ground slowly. The last one looked at me and tossed his sword from hand to hand. I went at him first and his sword blocked me quickly, he shoved at me from the back and I stumbled forward, nearly losing my footing. I spun around quickly and swung at him, I caught some of his side and he cursed me. I backed away from him and took a deep breath.

_This is it…your tired, you can feel it. This man will take you._

Our swords met once again, and I fought to keep the man at bay. He swung at me and I felt the blade cut my stomach. I looked down at the wound, and I heard him laughing. I could feel the blood on my flesh and I stepped back, he hit me cruelly in the face and I fell back to the ground. His sword gleamed in the firelight and I saw her face one last time.

_Watch after her._

The man went to swing down at me, but an arrow pierced him in the neck suddenly. The man stumbled and remained standing for a moment before falling next to me. I struggled to get up and looked around me for the archer. She walked out of the smoke and let the bow drop to her side. The air rushed out of me when I saw her, she was here against my wishes. She came to me and we looked at each other,

"Guinevere…"

Her eyes begged me for forgiveness and I smiled.

"Thank you…" I said.

"My lady." Vanora had come to our side again, pulling the children with her.

Guinevere smiled at her and pointed towards the smoke,

"Come, let's go."

Vanora nodded and we started walking. Guinevere lingered with me, her eyes searching my body.

"Your hurt…" she said as her hand found the wound in my stomach.

I winced at the touch, but didn't respond.

"I'll live, I promise." I said smartly.

Guinevere smiled and took my hand; she raised it to her lips and kissed it softly. I watched her do this without protest, knowing that Vanora could see.

"Don't scare me like that again." She said as we disappeared into the smoke.

**

* * *

**

**Arthur:**

My breath caught in my throat as I saw the flames. They rose above the wall and seemed they wanted to burn the stars. I heard the Knights behind me curse aloud and I urged my horse faster.

Death greeted us at the gate, men, woman, and children lay at our feet.

"The bastards…these people were unarmed!" Galahad said angrily as we made our way through.

I gripped my sword tightly, wishing I would have been here to prevent this.

_You couldn't have stopped it…_

Screams made my skin tingle and I squinted, trying to see through the heavy black smoke. The whole encampment was a blackened nightmare, smoke rose from every house and stable, it came from the windows, doorways and roofs. These people hadn't known what was coming.

"Bors, Gawain you two, over that way. Galahad, you stay with me." I said as I pointed to my left.

The two nodded and walked off into the blackness. Galahad looked at me and shook his head as he took a deep breath.

"I fear they might not have lived Arthur." He said sadly.

"Do not say such things. Lancelot and Guinevere both can fight, and wouldn't go out without one. You know this." I said, anger coming to my throat.

Galahad nodded and we started in a forward direction. The pathways were empty, and for the most part silent, save for the screams that came every few minutes.

"Lancelot!" I yelled, smoke going into my lungs.

"Lancelot! Can you hear us?" Galahad yelled after me.

Silence met us, and I bowed my head.

_You know Galahad may be right, Lancelot may be the best warrior, but not when he's outnumbered. _

I pushed my thoughts away from me. I would not give up hope, there is always hope.

"Lancelot!!" my yells rose with the smoke.

**

* * *

**

**Lancelot:**

I stood by the doorway, waiting for a Saxon who came near. My stomach throbbed with pain and I gripped the hilts of my swords. I felt Guinevere brush up beside me, bow at her side. I looked at her and sighed, she had saved my life. I wanted to brush the soot and ashes from her face, but I didn't dare distract us both with affection.

"Are they safe?" I asked.

She nodded, but didn't look towards me.

"I sent them into the woods, to a place Saxons dare not venture." she said.

I nodded and crossed my blades behind my neck.

_Say something to her, tell her…_

"Lancelot!!"

I heard the far off cry and I straightened. Guinevere looked at me then, hope coming to her face.

"Arthur!" she shouted.

I walked forwards hesitantly, my blades prepared in front of me.

"Lancelot? Guinevere?" the voice came again.

I let myself sigh and my frame shrink with relief.

"Arthur!" the hoarseness of my voice made me flinch.

I saw him then, through the smoke. Excalibur gleamed in the flame and I walked towards him. He saw me also and he quickened his pace, we met halfway and Arthur smiled,

"My dear friend." He placed his hand on my shoulder.

I nodded, a supple smile crossing my lips. I heard Guinevere running towards us, and soon Arthur had her in his arms. She kissed him lightly and separated from him,

"Arthur, there are more Saxons inside the main chambers." I replied as I tried not to look at them.

Arthur nodded, but placed his hand on Guinevere's face.

"Tell me you haven't come to harm." he said.

Guinevere shook her head, and looked towards me.

"No, Lancelot made certain that I did not." she said, her eyes thanking me once again.

Arthur nodded, and removed his hand, he hadn't seen the wound at her neck, and she hadn't mentioned it. Bors and Gawain had approached us and I nodded at both of them.

"Lancelot…Vanora?" Bors voice hinted with fear.

I patted him on the back,

"Ah, do not fear my friend. I came upon her and she is now safe with the rest." I said softly.

Bors smiled and nodded.

"Thank you."

I nodded and looked at Arthur.

"Seems there are more Saxons to take care of?" I asked.

Arthur nodded.

"Yes, come we'll all go so we can end this quickly."

We all followed him, but I stayed at the back and watched as Arthur and Guinevere took the lead.

_What did you expect? For her to just leave Arthur on the spot? You're being selfish, and you know it. Now stop this and let her make her own decision in her own time. _

I took a deep breath as Saxons appeared before us.


	12. Chapter 12: No More Love, No More Pride

Alrighty, hope you like this chapter, I'm trying to write the last three chapters tonight, but it seems I dont want it to end lol. Anyways, again enjoy!

Disclaimer: nope, still dont own anything.

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* * *

__What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 12- "No More Love, No More Pride"

The sun rose slowly on our death filled night. I wiped at my face, wanting to rid myself of Saxon blood. I walked slowly through the burnt pathways and sighed. They had burned everything, save the few rooms that the Knights, Guinevere, and Arthur slept in. I ran my hand through my hair, shaking the ashes from it.

"Lancelot…"

I turned towards the voice. Bors stood to my right, holding his youngest child. I smiled kindly and he came towards me.

"Thank you for saving Vanora." he said.

I waved his words away,

"Do not thank me; there is no need for I didn't arrive soon enough. I'm sorry for your loss." I said.

Bors nodded sadly but did not respond. I patted him on the back and took my leave.

* * *

I winced as Merlin applied salve to the wound on my stomach. He looked up at me and I looked away, his gaze making me uneasy.

"Have you told her?" he asked.

I shook my head in response and he made an aggravated noise.

"She needs to know you went back, that you understand." Merlin demanded.

I sighed and motioned for him to finish.

"In my own time." I replied.

Merlin looked back at the wound.

"Do not linger on it Knight." he responded.

I brushed his statements off, not wanting to worry myself with them.

I looked away from him as someone entered the room. She stood in the doorway, wiping her hands on her dress.

"Will you survive?" she asked, her tone hinting with sarcasm.

Merlin laughed softly and finished wrapping the bandage around me. I sat up and reached for my shirt, I could feel her eyes on my bare best. I pulled the shirt over my head and stood up.

"I thank you Merlin." I said as I started from the room.

* * *

Guinevere followed me out into the hallway.

"Lancelot…look at me." she commanded softly.

I sighed and turned to her. She took a deep breath, and I prepared myself for the worst.

"Do not think of me as a weak tavern girl. I can take care of myself, I can and I will if worse comes to worse." she said.

I nodded in response and she beckoned for us to walk, and we started together.

"I know I was weak last night, and I know you noticed this. But I've thought on this all night, I was afraid and weak because of you…"

My eyes snapped to her face and I opened my mouth to protest.

"Now, before you argue with me." her eyes smiled at me. "The only reason for this is because you were alone. I wasn't afraid for Arthur; you were the only thing on my mind. Lancelot, when I saw that Saxon hover over you, my heart stopped." she said.

I looked ahead as we stepped out into the sunlight.

"Guinevere…" I didn't know what to tell her.

Her eyes saddened as she looked at me again.

"Arthur desires to have an heir, what am I to tell him?" she asked.

It felt as if my heart exploded in my chest. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I could see the tears forming in her eyes.

"Guinevere…Arthur deserves an heir, and I will not stand in the way of that." I said.

Guinevere turned away from me,

"Is that it? Is that all you have to say to me?" she asked.

I nodded sadly and turned her back around to face me.

"I know not what you want me to say! Do you wish for me to just take you from here now?" I asked.

Guinevere's eyes searched my face angrily.

"Did you not just wish that same thing only weeks ago?" she asked heatedly.

I took her hand in mine and tried to keep my emotions in check.

"I wished Guinevere, but that was the past! Was it not you my lady that told me to put the past behind me?" I asked.

Her face went blank of expression.

"Why are you saying such things?" she demanded softly.

I sighed,

"You will always have my heart, I can promise you that. But my lady who am I to stand in the way of denying my good friend and King an heir?" I asked.

She stayed silent and I kissed her one last time on the lips before I walked away.

* * *

Weeks passed quickly, bringing with them nameless women and lonely nights. I let myself fall back into my old life, the life I knew before her. I knew I was wrong, I knew I shouldn't let myself go back to the taverns, but my yearning always brought me back.

"Lancelot!" I looked up from the table.

Arthur stood before me, his face that of pure joy. I lifted my eyebrows in acknowledgement and he took a seat next to me. He studied me for a moment before his brows came together with worry.

"You look terrible my friend." he said.

I picked up my cup and placed it to my lips. I made a sound of agreement and swallowed the liquid. A warming sensation passed through my body as the liquid went down. Arthur slid the glass away from me as I set it down.

"Lancelot…"

I waved him off.

_I'm fine…_

"Do not worry about me Arthur. You've something to tell me?" I asked.

He nodded and smiled.

"Guinevere is with child." He said as the happiness returned to his face.

I felt the liquid try to come back up, but I fought against myself. I nodded and clapped him on the shoulder.

"I'm happy for you Arthur." I said as I reached for my cup.

"Guinevere wanted you to be the first to know." Arthur said.

I felt the sarcastic sneer come to my lips and I put the cup to them.

_Now what? She's gone forever, and you pushed her._

"Give my happiness to her." I stated.

Arthur nodded and stood up, my hand dropped from his shoulder and he walked off, leaving me utterly alone.

* * *

"Come on son, don't let her do that!" Bors exclaimed.

I laughed as the little girl hit her brother with the wooden sword again. Bors grunted and I turned to him.

"Seems Raelin will be the one to run towards battle." I said.

Bors moaned, and hit me painfully on the shoulder.

"Seems she has taken after me."

We both spun around at the soft voice. Guinevere stood a few feet away, Bors laughed.

"No one better to take after my lady." he said.

She smiled and I couldn't help but look away. I could feel both their gazes on my back and I sighed.

_"Do not linger on it Knight…"_

_Talk to her!!_

I fought my thoughts back and I stiffened as her hand touched my back.

"Lancelot, may I have a word?"

_You knew this was coming._

I nodded and glanced at Bors. He looked at me sadly, knowing that I dreaded this. I turned to walk after her, and I could feel my chest tightening.

_

* * *

__Just tell her you're happy for her, tell her…_

She turned briskly on me as we entered the stables. She put her hands on my cheeks and stared me in the eyes.

"I have to tell you something…"

I shook my head.

"Let me speak my lady, for I have been hiding something from you." I said.

Her hands slipped from my face slowly, and I walked a few steps away from her.

"I went back to that estate…"

She remained silent, and I turned to look at her. Her eyes questioned me, and I tried to smile.

"I went back to the place where we found you." I said.

Her eyes dropped to the floor, and her hand went to her breast.

"You what?" her voice was faint.

"I had to go back, I had to…I had to see what had happened."

She put her hand out to silence me and I stopped. She paused for a moment, before she started to walk forwards towards me slowly.

"Guinevere…"

"You went back there?" she asked

I nodded sadly, and my eyes searched her pain stricken face. She took a few deep breath before she spoke.

"Why would you go back?" she asked me painfully.

I searched for the words I wanted to say, but they did not come to me.

"I wanted to see... I wanted to see what you had endured! I needed to know, I needed to understand." I explained.

Her eyes narrowed,

"Then why not just ask me?!" she demanded.

I took a deep breath and shook my head,

"I know not Guinevere, but do not hold this against me. I punished the priest for what he had done!" I exclaimed.

She took a step back away from me, as if I had struck her.

"That is the past, my past, the past I wish to forget…" her eyes strayed to her once injured hand.

"That was my past, the darkness I lived in before you came into my life…" and with this she ran from the stables.


	13. Chapter 13: End of Hope

Enjoy!!  
disclaimer: nope dont own anything

* * *

_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 13- "End Of Hope"

I sat down heavily next to Galahad, who was sitting quietly on the stacks of hay.

"Galahad." I said, acknowledging his presence.

He nodded slightly, but did not respond. I studied him for a moment, wondering about his silence.

"I will never leave this place." he whispered.

_None of us will…_

I sighed and looked towards the ground.

"I will never see my family again." He continued.

I glanced up at him and was taken back by the pain-filled expression he wore.

"Galahad, why do you…"

"Lancelot, do not tell me there is hope, for there is none. Arthur is right there is no worse death then the end of hope." he said.

I sighed.

"Then I shall never return home either." I responded.

_There is nothing left for you there anyways. All you k now how to do now is kill._

I rubbed my hands together aimlessly, trying to clear my mind.

"Home seems like nothing but a dream, a dream that I hope will come when I close my eyes, yet my dreams are just blackness." Galahad spoke softly.

I knew of what he spoke, my dreams were a black haze, and in the middle of that haze I see her. She is always out of my reach, and when the haze finally starts to fade, she disappears from my sight.

"Do not let this burden you my friend, or you'll end up like me." I looked at him as I spoke.

He laughed softly, the actions bringing long lost happiness to his face. He looked at me and smiled.

"Lancelot, you have more here then I'll ever have."

I felt my body tense up. _He knows, Bors has said something. _

"What do you speak of?" I asked, pushing the nervousness back.

He motioned outside.

"They all love you. Woman whom have never met you speak of you! You are Arthur's brother, and right hand man." he said solemnly.

I smirked and clasped my hands together.

"Galahad." my mind went blank.

"The Queen adores you, we all see it." he finally said.

"Aye, we've both saved one another, we understanding each other." I said, wanting to get off the subject.

"Lancelot, do not try to…"

_Don't let him finish._

"Galahad, you are young. I was the same way, nothing shall come to myself with the Queen." I said as I stood.

Galahad laughed at me, his eyes telling me he knew more on this matter. I took my leave,

"You love her."

His words blew away with the wind.

* * *

Everywhere I went in the wretched encampment I heard about Guinevere. 

"The child will lead us to greatness one day."

I let out an exasperated sigh and quickly shut the door to my rooms. The sun shone brightly through the window and I walked towards it. I leaned on the windowsill and felt the sun on my face.

_What are you doing? What are to you trying to prove?_

"Bah, do not think on it." I said aloud.

My mood quickly darkened and I hit the small table that sat beside me. It clattered to the floor, the contents spilling out everywhere. I moaned and collapsed in the chair, I put my head in my hands and took a few deep breaths to try and stop my hands from shaking.

"Lancelot?"

I looked up and wiped the small tear from my eye. Guinevere looked at me sadly for a moment before studying the scattered contents that were sprayed across the floor.

"What happened?" she asked.

I laughed and picked up a dagger from the mess. I didn't respond to her question and she stepped in my way.

"Why do you…"

"Guinevere, step aside." I said firmly.

She locked gazes with me and stood her ground. She crossed her arms impatiently and I could feel the aggravation rise in me again.

"Move my lady, or I will move you myself." I replied.

Again she did not move. I put my hands on her shoulders, but neither one of us moved. Her hand slowly went to mine and her touch sent shivers down my spine.

"Please…" she whispered as she closed the door with her free hand.

I shook my head silently and she moved closer to me, so our bodies were pressed tightly against each other.

"Lancelot please, allow me but one last kiss." she pleaded.

I tilted my head down and stared into her soft face. She leaned up slightly and our lips connected. I felt my body relax as I stood there, my arms slowly wrapping around her small frame. I let myself stand there for a few moments, clutching her to me.

"Guinevere, please don't do this." I said.

I pulled back, but let my arms remain around her. She looked away and wiped at her mouth solemnly. We stood for a few moments in silence, before she looked back at me. She touched my face softly,

"It pains me to see you like this…" she said.

I sighed and tried to look away from her. She placed her other hand on my cheek and caressed it tenderly.

"You cannot do this to yourself Lancelot, not for my sake." she said.

I pulled away from her then, and turned my back on her.

"Do not think my lady that you are the only cause of this!" I demanded.

_But you know she is…_

Guinevere didn't respond and I leaned against the windowsill again.

"My lady, we were done! You carry Arthur's child!" I continued.

_I should be disgusted with myself. _

Guinevere nodded and broke her silence.

"Ah, that I do sir, I do carry a child."

I shut my eyes; her words making tears come to my eyes.

"Leave me then, for I want nothing to do with…"

"With me? Do you wish to forget me?" she demanded.

_No, I just want you for myself._

"Guinevere…"

"If you wanted to forget me sir, you shouldn't have gone back to that estate." she said coldly.

She left the room quickly, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

I found the note laying on the table after she left, folded neatly, and my name written in her flowing handwriting. I took a deep breath and opened it slowly. Her handwriting covered the page, and I forced myself to read it. 

_Lancelot,_

_The thought of how I've hurt you pains me, more than I can say, more than you'll ever know. I want to beg for your forgiveness, my darling, the king of my heart. I wish you too know my everything, the depths of my soul, more than you do now. I want you to be able to know and understand the boundaries of my heart._

_My love you've possessed from the start, but I fear my love can not be expressed by mere words alone. I want desperately to show to you, but I fear I know not how. Take the gift of my love and guard it well, guard it like a secret you must never tell._

_My love, my knight, and so much more. My everything, the one I adore, as I close this, just know my love for you will never know death, it will survive if I myself shall never draw breath again._

_Forever yours,_

_Guinevere._

* * *

The night was cold, and I tried desperately to warm my hands. I walked silently through the fields, thinking to myself. The grass swayed in the wind softly, and I stopped. _What are you doing?_ I didn't know the answer to that; I couldn't come up with one reasonable answer for myself. Sure I was trying to make this easier on her, trying to make myself feel better for betraying Arthur. I shook my head and continued to walk, how many times had I been here before? How many times had I walked with her through this field, escaping the eyes of the guards and taking each other for ourselves? I sat down on the grass again, and shivered at the dampness. I bit my lower lip softly, and shut my eyes, trying to shut out the screams from my soul. I ran my hand through my hair absent mindedly and finally rested my forearm on the crown of my head. I couldn't stop them, I knew they were coming, but nothing could prevent them. The tears flowed from my eyes freely and I let myself cry. I clasped the note from Guinevere in my hand, and I saw one of my tears fall onto the paper, leaving a small water stain. I wiped at my eyes, wanting this to end, willing myself to stop this, to just let her go. I stood with shaky legs and I took a moment to compose myself before I started back towards the wall. 


	14. Chapter 14: Last Confessions

Note: told from Guinevere's POV, last chapter before the end! Enjoy

Disclaimer: nope still nothing

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* * *

**

_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 14- "Last Confessions"

I almost wept when his lips met mine again. My Knight was with me again, and I wished for nothing more.

_This is heaven for me._

He pulled away from me, and the happiness vanished.

"We were done…"

I didn't want to hear his words for I knew that this, us, would end yet again. His eyes locked with mine, as he turned from the window.

_Tell him…tell him something._

My world collapsed at his next words.

"I want nothing to do…"

He didn't have to finish, I knew what he meant.

_You don't mean this!_

I fought back the urge to run into his arms, to let myself collapse against his body, and know that everything would be ok. It wouldn't be ok, I could tell by the look in his eyes. I fought back the tears and we spoke for a few moments longer before I took my leave from him. I slammed the door behind me, and shrunk down in front of it; I drew my knees to my chest and rested my forehead on them. I took a few deep breaths to soothe myself before I got up. I knew he would find the letter, and read the words that I had written last night, written as tears flowed freely from my eyes.

I straightened myself and walked away from his room, and also walking away from the man that held the key to my now locked heart.

* * *

"Guinevere?"

I looked up from the table as Arthur walked in. I smiled at and he kneeled at my side. He gently placed his hand on my stomach and smiled, his eyes danced in the firelight, nothing seemed able to dampen his spirits. I felt a smile tug on the sides of my mouth and I put my hand on his.

"You've brought more happiness into my life that I ever hoped for. I love you Guinevere." Arthur spoke softly.

I felt my heart breaking at his words. He looked up at me, tears gleaming in the light.

"I couldn't ask for more."

I leaned in to kiss him softly, like I had millions of times, but as my lips touched his, the others face flashed before me.

Arthur pulled away from me,

"What should we name our child?" he asked.

_Lancelot._

I smiled softly,

"I haven't though about it my love." I responded.

Arthur nodded and squeezed my hand before we both turned towards the fire.

I looked skyward and sighed. _Please help me through this…if there really is a god, help me through this time._

I looked back towards my husband and felt the twinge of pain run through my heart. What was I doing to myself again? Why wouldn't I stop this game I was playing?

_Because you love both of them, but one of them is more important now, and you know this…_


	15. Chapter 15: Echoes of the Heart

**Well this is the end! I've really enjoyed writing this, and I hope you've all enjoyed reading it! Aww I'm all sad having to write this, this story has become my baby. Anyways, thank you to all the reviewers, you made my day everytime you said something nice! Thank you to all my friends, Dwight, Ashley, Tesh, Jared, Chelsea, both Kyndras, hell all of my friends that put up with me having them read every chapter! Huge thanks really go out to Dwight, Ashley and Tesh for their help on chapters and editing! I love you guys. Ok I'll stop boring you, read it! lol. This should be typo free, I wrote this at 11:30 pm, geeze**

**disclaimer: I only owned the ideas in this story, nothing else. **

_

* * *

_

_What Heaven Is..._

Chapter 15- "Echoes of the Heart"

_-Months Later-_

I grunted angrily as the swords fell from my grip again. My body screamed in pain, and my wrists were numb. I'd been at this all day, trying to push myself to be better with the swords.

I picked up them up and tried the new move again once again. My wrists gave out once again and I cried out in anger. I rubbed at my wrists, trying to ease the burning of my strained muscles.

"Practicing again I see."

I turned briskly at the voice and sighed when I saw Arthur standing there.

"My lord…"

I went to retrieve the swords again, but Arthur picked them up. He spun them delicately and smiled.

"I remember when you got these, you could barely hold them at first." he said.

I nodded and smiled,

"I remember the Roman officer took me to the black smith, and I watched them make the blades." I stared at the blades. "I was the only one willing to try two blades."

Arthur laughed and spun them in his grasp.

"Aye, the only one brave enough my friend." he said with a smirk.

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks.

"You can handle a sword also my friend." I said.

Arthur nodded and handed the blades back to me. He motioned towards them seconds later.

"Do you remember what you use to call them?" he asked.

I laughed and tried to the move once again.

"I called them honor and dignity." I responded.

Arthur nodded.

"And that they are…" he said.

I smiled softly and looked at the blades.

"How is Guinevere?" I asked.

Arthur locked gazes with me.

"Weak, I fear this child will take all that is left of her." he said.

Sadness washed over me, I hadn't seen Guinevere in weeks. She seemed to be always locked away, out of my reach. I tried to smile, for Arthur's sake.

"She is never weak." I said.

Arthur smiled also,

"She wishes to see you. Has been asking for you many times." he said.

A lump began to form in my throat. I replaced the swords to their rightful place on my back and nodded. I ran my hands through my hair and proceeded to walk away.

"She loves you."

My blood went cold.

_Dear gods he knows._

I turned my head towards him.

"My lord?" My voice cracked.

Arthur nodded.

"She loves you, loves you as a brother, like I myself do. Go to her…please" he pleaded.

My body relaxed and I nodded.

"I will go to her Arthur." I replied.

He nodded and I left him.

* * *

The words I wanted to say raced through my mind. I wanted to tell her so much, everything I'd ever wanted to.

The maid looked up as I entered the room. She looked between me and Guinevere who lay in the bed. I heard Guinevere dismiss her and she shuffles past me. I watched her leave silently; I lingered near the doorway, not wanting to go deeper inside.

"Lancelot." Guinevere's voice was weak.

I cleared my throat and walked closer. The bed seemed to swallow her whole. I pushed the drapery away and sat at her side. She looked at me silently, her eyes dull and lifeless.

"My brave Knight." Her hand clutches mine.

I shuddered at the coolness of it. I smiled at her and lifted her hand to my lips. I kissed it softly and she smiled.

"I was afraid you wouldn't come." She whispered.

I caressed her hand with my thumb.

"I let my pride get to me, I'm sorry…I haven't come sooner" I said.

She shook her head and closed her eyes. She was sick, I could see this. Her eyes had lost the flame that use to inhabit them. I ran my hand over her cheek softly and she leaned into my touch.

"I love you." She whispered.

My gaze locked with her and she smiled. I ran my tongue over my lips and nodded.

"I love you too Guinevere." My voice cracked with emotion.

_Never leave me._

The look on her face made tears come to my eyes. She was so beaten down, defeated.

"Never leave me." I said aloud.

I hadn't meant to say this, but my emotions were taking me. Guinevere reached up and put her hand on my face.

"I promise I'll never leave you." She said.

I collapsed next to her, my head resting on her breast.

_Please…I can't endure this. I have nothing left but you._

Her hand went through my hair and she kissed the crown of my head. The tears fell down my cheeks freely and I knew she saw this.

"Lancelot, it's…I'll survive this." She said.

I could hear her tears start and I clutched her hand. We remained like this for what seemed like hours. I heard the maid coming and I unwillingly pulled away from her.

I felt her hand slip from mine, and sadness filled her face again.

"Come back to me." She pleaded.

I nodded and wiped at my face, trying to rid myself of the tears.

* * *

I looked up as footsteps approached. I had shrunken down outside the stables, knowing I couldn't make it to the privacy of my rooms before the tears came again.

"Lancelot."

Bors.

When he saw my face he frowned and came to my side.

"I'm fine…leave me." I said.

Bors laughed softly.

"You proud bastard let me help you." He said as he pulled me from the ground.

I put my hand over my face, wanting to hide the tears.

"You went to her didn't you?" he asked.

I nodded sadly, but didn't look up at him. Bors clapped me on the back and sighed.

"My dear friend."

I didn't want him to see me like this.

"Just leave me Bors; I'll fight my own battles." I said.

Bors laughed again and stared at me with an amused grin.

"Why do you do this? Why do you shun all of us away?" he asked.

_Because I'm afraid._

I pulled away from him,

"Ah! Can I not get one moment of peace?" I demanded.

"It is not I or the others that bother you Lancelot! You are your own worst enemy my friend. Your heart is what burdens you." He said.

His words struck me, and I bowed my head.

_He's right, and you know it._

I turned slowly back to him and sighed.

"Your right, I'm sorry Bors." I said softly.

The thought of her lying in bed, pale and beaten down came rushing back to me. My breath caught and Bors patted my shoulder.

"Lancelot…"

I hated myself for what I was doing. _Why are you crying? _I was weeping again, and I wanted to be alone with my misery. I raised my right fist and pressed it to the middle of my forehead, willing myself to stop. Bors pulled me forward roughly and he gave me a friendly embrace.

"You are not alone, we're all here for you, never forget that ok?" he said.

_

* * *

_

_-Day's Later-_

"There, now don't try to swing too quickly…"

I stood back as the small boy tried to pick up one of my blades. His small hands grasped the hilt and he looked up at me with worried eyes.

"You can do it." I said as a smile spread over my lips.

He nodded and lifted the sword, he swung it slowly but his body teetered and he started to fall back. He cried out shapely before I caught him, he looked up at me and I smiled.

"Ok try again." I said.

He nodded and I sat him back on his feet.

"My lady…"

My heart stopped at his words. I looked up nervously and saw her. She had her hands on her swollen stomach and she was smiling.

"Guinevere." I said.

The little boy swung the sword at me and I blocked the blow. The boy stepped back and swung at the air. Guinevere started towards me and I sheathed the blade and looked at her.

"You shouldn't be out here." I told her.

Guinevere shook her head.

"I wanted to see you, and it'll do me good to get out of that room." She explained.

I nodded and watched the child out of the corner of my eye.

"You love children."

I looked back to her and her smile made my heart swoon. I nodded but sighed.

"I do…"

Guinevere came closer to me.

"Do you have any of your own?" she asked.

_Yes, somewhere with nameless women for mothers._

"I know not…Arthur's god has yet to bless me with any." I replied.

She nodded and turned to the little boy.

"I've always wanted children." She said softly.

_You wanted to have them with me, you told me that._

I nodded but did not respond.

"Lancelot…" her voice was soft.

I put my hand on her shoulder and I heard her breath catch. She went limp and fell into my arms.

"Guinevere!"

The boy looked at me with fearful eyes.

"Go get the King." I commanded.

* * *

I paced the hall in front of Guinevere's room nervously. I ran my hand over my moist forehead. She'd collapsed because she came to see me.

_It's not your fault._

Arthur appeared beside me, his face weary with worry.

"Arthur! How is she?" I asked hurriedly.

Arthur looked down at the ground and took a deep breath.

"The child will arrive soon. She is so weak." He said.

I drew closer to him and put my hand on his shoulder.

"She'll be fine my friend, and soon you will gaze into the face of your child." I said.

I wanted to scream, cry, and fight this. I wanted to wake from this nightmare and find myself in her arms.

"Go in…she needs you also. I'm weary, and I do not want her to see this." Arthur said.

I nodded and he walked away from me. I entered the room slowly, trying to prepare myself for the sight. I could hear her labored breaths, followed by murderous coughs.

"Leave us." I said to the chamber maids.

They nodded and left swiftly. She looked up at me and raised her hand weakly.

"Lancelot."

Her voice sent shivers down my spine. I clasped her hand in mine and put on the best smile I could. Her eyes were cold as she looked at me.

"My love…"

Another round of coughs racked her body. I raised her hand to my lips and planted a small kiss on her knuckles.

"I'm sorry I can't be strong for you." She said.

I shook my head and caressed her cheek with my other hand.

"Your fine, I won't leave your side." I responded.

She shook her head and turned away from me. Her hand was clammy and cool.

"Where did Arthur go?" she asked.

I ran my thumb over her fingers. I knew Arthur didn't want to alarm her.

"Gawain had to speak with him." I answered.

"Do not lie to me love. He knows that I am ill; he does not wish to watch me die. He'd rather send you to me…my savior."

Her words made my anger rise. Why was she speaking like this?"

"Guinevere, stop this! You are not going to die." I exclaimed.

_She's acting like you were when you fell ill. _

She looked towards me again, her face flushed from pain.

"Lancelot, do you remember the day you asked me to run with you?" she asked.

I nodded slowly, not wanting the memory to replay in my mind.

"I do…"

She swallowed and pulled me closer to her.

"I wanted too." She whispered.

I smiled and kissed her forehead.

"Rest…"

She shook her head,

"No, I must say something! Lancelot if I would've chosen you, none of this would have happened! You've never put me in danger, nor have I suffered pain."

I put my finger to her lips.

"Guinevere…please."

She shrank back into the pillows and closed her eyes.

"Sit with me…" she pleaded.

"Of course." I said before she slipped into sleep.

_

* * *

_

_-Hours later-_

Arthur paced the hall and stopped every now and then at the door. I looked up from my hands, wanting to say something to him.

_What are you going to say? Tell him sorry for loving his wife?_

I sighed and settled for silence, knowing I couldn't say anything comforting.

I stood at the sound of a soft baby cry. Arthur straightened and we both looked at each other. A small smile spread over his lips and mine.

"You're a father." I said.

I could see the tears starting to form in his eyes and I embraced him,

"Thank you." He said.

We pulled away and I clasped his shoulder.

"There is no ne…"

"Lancelot, thank you." He said firmly.

I stopped my protests and nodded in thanks. The healer appeared at our side and Arthur turned towards him. I could see the spots of blood on his clothes and my breath caught.

"My lord, the Queen has lost an amount of blood…if I cannot control it soon, I'm afraid..."

I shut my eyes as I heard what he said. _This cant be happening. _

I opened my eyes and Arthur was looking at me, tears slowly streaming down his face.

"Lancelot…"

He seemed far away at that moment. My world was crumbling around me.

"Lancelot."

Arthur was shaking me softly. I looked at him, but didn't say anything. I saw the healer come out again with a small bundle clutched in his arms.

"It's a girl…"

We both stared at the child, and she blinked her large brown eyes. I smiled and saw the tears starting to appear again in Arthur's eyes.

"My lord, I still cannot stop the bleeding."

Arthur didn't look up from the child. I bit my lower lip softly and studied him.

"Can Merlin help?" he asked finally.

Silence enveloped us. We both looked towards the healer, probing him with our eyes.

"He may be able to…"

Arthur gave me the child and she smiled up at me.

"Lancelot, my dear friend, please…stay with Guinevere, help her fight just a bit longer while I go and find Merlin." He said.

I nodded blankly at him and watched as he turned and ran, his footsteps quickly disappearing from the hall. The little girl had clasped my finger in her small hand and she looked up at me happily.

* * *

I walked into the room, clutching the child to me for dear life. The maids rushed around, carrying water, rags, pillows. I could hear Guinevere's pleads and cries for them to bring me to her.

"I'm here my love…" I said I stepped into view.

Guinevere's tears started as she saw me.

"Lancelot, please…"

I gave the child to a maid and quickly went to Guinevere's side.

"Shh, love Arthur's gone to get Merlin, he can help you." I whispered as I kissed her softly.

"Lancelot, I don't want to die…I want to be with you…"

Her tears were over powering her voice and I shut my eyes to stop my own tears. I leaned in and kissed her mouth, which silenced her. I could taste the blood on her lips and I pulled back as a cry of rage broke through me.

_Do not do this! Do not take her!_

Her hands searched for mine hurriedly, and she clung to them desperately when she found them.

"Please…"

I stared at her,

"My love, help is coming…hold on just a bit more."

* * *

Her breaths started to come slower. Her hand still gripped mine, and I smoothed her hair back softly, whispering soft things that I knew might help her keep looking forwards, towards life. Where was Arthur? He should have been here by now. Guinevere looked up at me, the fire almost completely gone from her eyes,

"Lancelot…I love you." She whispered softly.

I shook my head,

"Guinevere, please…" I could feel the tears starting.

She nodded and gave me a comforting smile,

"I'm not afraid anymore, you're with me, I couldn't ask for more…" she said.

"No…Arthur…Arthur will come…"

Her hand came to my face slowly,

"Let me go love…"

I saw a tear fall onto her hand.

"I'll be with my father…my fallen brothers and sisters."

"Death is somewhere that I cannot follow! Guinevere, do not leave me alone!"

"I'll be with Dagonet, Tristan…they'll look after me…"

Her voice was growing faint.

"Guinevere! I'll look after you! Please…"

She locked gazes with me, her eyes searching my face.

"You will not be alone my love…"

I shut my eyes, and felt the tears rush from my eyes.

"I will…"

"No…no…for I left what I could of me behind. I left the child, which is part of both you and me both…"

My breath caught and she nodded delicately. She sucked in one last breath and slowly said,

"For the child is not Arthur's…it is yours my love."

I stood there clutching her lifeless hand in mine, feeling the warmth seep out of it. I felt the tears gather in my eyes and I didn't even bother to hide them or wipe them away. I saw one fall onto her hand and I bent down and cried onto the bed.

_Please…bring her back. I can't survive without her!_

"If there is any god, you send her back to me; you send her back to me now!" I screamed as I lifted my head towards the ceiling.

I sat there for what seemed an eternity before I got up on shaky legs and let go of her hand. It dropped back to her side as if it had never been touched. I turned slowly, not wanting to let her out of my sight. But as I lifted my eyes to go, I felt my breath catch in my throat.

"Arthur…"


	16. Epilogue

_Epilogue_

The sun was blinding and I raised my hand to block it. I sighed; it'd been seven years since she'd left me, seven years of longing for her return, praying for it, but alas nothing came. She'd given me a precious gift, a gift she had brought into the world with the last ounce of her strength. I smiled as my daughter bounded towards me, her black hair falling down her shoulders. She clutched her bow in her hand tightly and waved at me. I smiled and waved back softly.

"Ok, do you remember what I taught you?" I asked.

She nodded and stuck her tongue out in concentration. I laughed as she pulled the arrow back. She let it go and it flew quickly through the air and hit the target yards away.

"Daddy!"

I laughed and went to take her into my arms when she saw him. She cried out in joy and dropped the bow; I watched her run towards him with open arms. He caught her and swung her up.

"Uncle Arthur! Daddy's teaching me how to shoot a bow!" she exclaimed.

Arthur laughed and kissed her on the forehead. I saw him glance up at me, and I felt a shiver pass through my body.

_"Arthur…"_

_My heart pounded quickly in my chest. My King, and best friend stood there silently, staring at me with tears in his eyes._

_"Lancelot?"_

_I knew he'd heard everything, Merlin stood behind him and I saw his eyes rise to mine. _

_"Arthur…I'm sorry…"_

I couldn't for the life of me understand how he'd forgiven me. Now as he stood in front of me, clutching my daughter to him I felt my heart break. I'd destroyed him, and I couldn't take it back or make it better.

He nodded at me, and a look of understanding passed between the two of us. Arthur laughed again and broke our gaze; he patted my daughter softly on the head.

"Well, your father is the best teacher."

I smiled and reached out for my daughter. She smiled and kissed Arthur on the cheek before running towards me. I catch her in my awaiting arms and look back up at Arthur. He smiles and I return it, knowing that things will be fine.

"Daddy, do you think one day I'll be able to be a great warrior?"

I stood there breathless for a moment, the question knocking the air from me. I felt the small smile spread on my lips and I looked at her.

"Yes Guinevere, one day I think you will be a great warrior…"

_Just like your mother…_

* * *

I stared the crinkled note that Guinevere had written to me. I smiled and my thoughts raced back.

_"What do you yearn for Lancelot?" Guinevere asked me._

_I looked over at her and smiled. _

_"I have everything I need my lady, save freedom, but I've come to accept that." I said._

_Guinevere gave me a probing look._

_"There must be something…"_

_I sighed,_

_"I wish only to know what heaven is…with you."_

_**The End**_

* * *

****

**_Again thanks for reading! Hopefully I'll be back with another soon!_**


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